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I Don’t Love Like You Do

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The night before Valentine’s Day, this guy that likes me texted me and asked me to be his Valentine. My immediate response was, “What does that even entail?” (Yea, I was saying it with a bit of a snarky attitude.)

He proceeded to tell me it involves “lots of love.” But shouldn’t every day demand lots of love?

To me, Valentines Day is the dumbest holiday we could celebrate. Super Bowl is more of a holiday to me.

Valentines Day is one of the biggest days for break ups. Why? Because girls expect engagement rings, fancy dinners that men probably can’t afford, and two dozen roses that will last longer than most relationships.

Personally, I would rather a guy give me a rock because at least that won’t die.

But I think the biggest reason I’m not a Valentine’s Day fanatic is because like this guy told me two day ago, I’m cold. I’m not trusting and apparently I play hard to get.

Truthfully, I guess he’s right. I am cold and I’m definitely not trusting. I don’t like receiving gifts or celebrating affection with teddy bears and paper hearts when it should be an every day occurrence.

I don’t listen to anyone’s words because to me, they mean nothing. I don’t want a guy to give me a promise ring or promise me the world because, that too, means absolutely nothing. Don’t tell me you love me. Don’t tell me you’ll be beside me for better or worse.

Show me you love me. Actually be there. Give me your heart through your actions.

My belief in love diminished the day my parents told me they were divorcing. It haunts me every single day and I feel closer to abandonment than this so called love.

Now, I’m the girl who keeps my distance and in return looks hard to get. Now, I’m the one who writes these columns to fill this void in my heart and mind. Now, I try to hide this part of me that feels lifeless.

Love terrifies me and I run from it whenever it shows up at my door. I can’t feel safe unless this door to my heart is locked. I’ve watched love diminish like the bones in my body one day will and yes, I know these feelings aren’t healthy, but they are all I know anymore.

Why would I let myself love when I know one day it will combust? One day, I’ll watch it go up in flames and burn down my life. So instead, I’ll put up a shield. I’ve spent years building this wall. It’s tall and strong and won’t fall to the ground. I have guarded my heart so that I don’t have to go through the worst.

Love becomes the worst.

I’ve seen it happen. No matter how much someone says they love you, it won’t stop them from walking out. Watching my parents walk away from their marriage left me feeling more alone than I ever imagined. I felt burned, left behind. I felt vulnerable and confused.

The day my dad went to court to finalize their failure, I promised myself I would never allow myself to go through what they did.

Now, I fear the thought of the unknown. I want to be in control and I refuse to allow someone to take that away from me. So instead of letting my guard down, I focus on the things I can micromanage. I push to be ambitious in my career and independent, and I won’t apologize for that.

I still love, but I’ve learned to in a different way. I love at a distance. With pain come wounds and when the wounds finally heal, the scars arise. Those scars will eternally show but at least I won’t feel them. I’ll look at my scars and be reminded that love isn’t red and pink because it’s romantic. It’s red and pink because it reminds me of the pain I once endured.

Look at me, try to grasp my imperfections, but you’ll never see through to my heart. That, I can’t let go of.

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I Don’t Love Like You Do