A Glimpse Into My Life
April 20, 2015
Filed under With Morning Coffee
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Living with depression and anxiety.
For the past few months I’ve felt so caged in and oblivious to what was going on inside of me. It started back last year when I would experience sudden highs but awful troubling lows. I thought my emotions would “fix themselves” or fall into place after starting a new job but that only made it worst.
In January I started my dream job and was in bliss with life for about three weeks until my anxiety began to strike. I had no idea that I was experiencing anxiety I had heard of people who said they suffered from it but maybe the selfishness of me never seek to know more. However, on a rainy Friday morning I awoken in a cold sweat crying to my mother that I did not want to go back to my job. Crying and begging her not to send me back there, scared and shocked by my reaction my mother held me and told me to lay down and that I was not returning back there. I tried to put my mind at ease but little did I know the job was only the icing on the cake.
After quitting I fell into a deep depression. I felt as if I was a failure and had no real light at the end of my tunnel. I would sleep all day and wake up still tired, I would make any and every excuse not to go to school. Being around large crowds only made the depression worst, it was as if it fed it. I cut myself out of any social network or activity that concerned life, it was as if I was living but not alive. I’d sit by my window like a cat yearning to experience the outside life but too afraid to challenge myself to smell or breathe the fresh air. I’d lie to my friends and myself about hanging out until little by little I lost them all. My patience had grew so short that I would snap for things I couldn’t even explain. I had gotten to a point where I didn’t know who I was. I cried whenever my mother would ask what were my emotions because I knew I couldn’t explain them I was just overly emotional and extremely sad about everything.
Some days are better some days are bad. I’ve gotten to a point where I can leave my house and be okay with traveling short distance without the urge to run back home. Sometimes I question if my friends were really my friends but then I ask myself how someone could understand what I am going through if I can’t even properly communicate it to them. I thank my mother for being so patience and understanding, depression and anxiety has run in my family for generations. I remember myself always saying I can never see myself being this negative or this low on life but when you actually experience it what are you to do?