I have always found some type of comfort in isolation. Maybe it’s because no one can bother me or that there is no judgment. I get to go wherever I want, eat whatever I want, and even listen to whatever music I want.
There have been a lot of times when I’d cancel plans with my friends, and instead, just stay home and watch Netflix. Maybe I like the isolation so much because in high school I didn’t have many friends to hang out with. I had friends in school but then when it came to hanging out outside of school, I didn’t really have anybody. Everyone already had their own friend groups and I always felt like the odd one out. So, I was alone a lot of the time. I would watch people’s Snapchat stories on Friday nights wishing that I was there.
As for my love life, it’s no big surprise, but I’ve never had a boyfriend, so I’ve never shared my personal space with anyone. I’ve never been so intimate with someone to share what’s on my mind. At this point in my life, I feel weird even holding hands with someone. It feels very unnatural to me.
I’ve always heard that it’s important to feel comfortable being alone sometimes, but I’m not too sure if I’ve passed that point. I would rather be by myself in my room than go out into the kitchen and talk to my mom or dad. Sometimes I get these mixed feelings of wanting to be alone but also wanting to talk to someone. Maybe I just don’t want to feel 100 percent alone.
It’s ironic that for someone that loves to be alone, my biggest fear is growing old by myself. I’ve always wanted to have a big family because growing up I missed out on that. I don’t really have any cousins my age – they were all younger than me. Also, the majority of my family is back in Guatemala where my parents are from. So, I kept to myself a lot. Although, not wanting to grow up and grow old alone is reasonable since not many people really want to end up alone. No one wants to wake up alone with no partner and no family at 50-years-old. Humans naturally crave social interaction.
My mind drives me crazy. Being alone makes my mind take off in every direction. I’m thinking about a million different things at once. Why this person hasn’t texted me back, school, work, the way people talk to me, what I’m going to eat later, etc. It’s literally never-ending, and a huge chunk of that time I wind up making myself sad. So then why do I love to be alone? Maybe I’ve just gotten too comfortable with it.
I do crave social interaction. I do want to spend more time with my friends because when I’m with them I don’t want it to end. The time that I spend with them, genuinely makes me happy. Sometimes I feel like my mind works backward. I don’t know, maybe I crave all this interaction now because I didn’t really grow up like that.
I danced ballet for about eight years and I made a total of like three friends back then. Everyone else was tightly-knit and I didn’t really fit into their friend groups. I also used to take piano lessons and the only people that were friendly to me were my instructors. I’m really shy though. Maybe that’s a part of the reason, but I’m so used to being the quiet one by now.
I do want to work on being more social but it’s hard. I love keeping to myself, but I’ve come to realize that life is a bit easier when you have someone to talk to.