I think about quitting College at least once of month. I know it sounds bad, but that is the truth. If you evaluate all the stress that we go through with academic pressure now, and the added stress of isolation, online education, and the tense atmosphere due to COVID-19. You can see why I may feel this way, but it is moments like these where I am forced to re-evaluate my entire life.
I sit in a quiet corner in complete silence and I internally ask myself, “Why am I doing this?” That question is then followed by a series of the same questions that I reflect on every month. Am I doing this for me? Am I doing this for parental approval? Will I even be guaranteed a career after all of this? If I quit will my life drastically change? It is like my mind becomes trapped in a dangerous cycle of pessimism. Sometimes the thought leaves quickly and, sometimes it lasts for a while. However, my heart still wonders about the little girl that is dependent on me.
The truth is, giving up on College is like abandoning that dream that I had ever since I was a little girl. I do not want to disappoint that young girl that had stars in her eyes and passion in her heart. She worked so hard and was an exemplary student all her life. She realized her love for journalism when she was just ten years old, and she has always envisioned a life where she could live that dream and achieve true happiness by doing so.
I have an obligation to ensure that I see her vision through, all the way to the end. I want her to be proud of the beautiful, ambitious, and determine woman that she always knew lied within her as a young child. Every fake article that she wrote, every fake talk show moment that she had, and every fake reporting that she did in her backyard was meant to lead up to the moment when her hope becomes a reality. I am forever indebted to her because she sacrificed so much so that I could be here. It is sad. She has been struggling to find that passion that she once had, and I am slowly witnessing her lose the stars that she once had in her eyes. There is no inspiration behind her words anymore, and she is slowly being drained of all her enthusiasm.
Despite her emotions taking a toll on her, yet still she rises. Her limitless strength carries her and motivates her to keep going. She has learned that her sorrowful moments do not make her weak, it makes her human. As a human, sometimes she will feel sad, tired, and fearful but it does not mean that she always must be led by those emotions. One set of feelings does not define her or her destiny.
She is much more complex than that. She is a woman whose footsteps will pave the way to her desire. Once a young child with a dream, now a woman bearing a vision, she will accomplish all, and not even her bad moments will deter her from pursuing her goals.
There comes a time when you must tell your mind that enough is enough. Remove it from autopilot and take control of your own thoughts. Erase every negative thought that manifests. If only her mind truly knows the woman that possesses it and the heart of a champion that resides within her frame, then it would realize that not even it is a match for her. She will not become another statistic, but she will become a part of history as the first child for her parents to complete college. She can honestly say that her purpose will outlive her for years to come.
She will make the mark on this world that she was destined to make, and nothing is going to threaten those beliefs that are engraved in her heart. Beyond the challenges and constant urge to give up, there is a woman poised to take on the world in front of her and I cannot wait to see her do it.