Today, I realized that I am truly sad and depressed.
I understand that the common word for 2020 is “depression” since most of the human population has experienced at least some form of this. But these people are lucky to only be experiencing this since 2020 began.
I’ve been experiencing it my entire life.
I don’t think I have ever been happy. I think I was just living off of other peoples’ happiness which gave me enough contentment to stay alive. Due to this, I have always managed to get by okay. I have made the honor roll every academic school year since I was in the seventh grade. I have never excessively consumed alcohol or drugs and I’ve never brought home any of the horrible guys that I’ve had relations with in the past, thankfully. However, the COVID-19 pandemic, along with learning the horrible news that my sister is also not happy with her life, made me realize that the passable outlook that I had on life has lost its luster and that I’ve really always been sad. I was never willing to admit that until now.
Everyone’s happiness is drying out like mine did years ago. My sister is currently experiencing the unfortunate realities of a breakup during COVID-19. She is going through a mid-30s life crisis and is just as lost as I am when it comes to knowing how she wants to live her life.
My beautiful cat, Jackson, is getting older and having trouble sleeping through the night. He is unable to run at full speed and jump onto surfaces like he did when he was younger. When it comes to my love for Jackson, I have been called every lonely cat lady related name in the book. I’ve been told: “You have no social life,” “You’re replacing friendships with catships.” I have learned to reject the hate and accept the fact that I love cats much more than I love humans and even though Jackson’s health is slowly deteriorating, he’s my cat and I love him. He taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.
I am my own best friend, which I used to embrace – but now I am just lonely. I’ve become depressed because I don’t have as many friends as I once did in life. They left when my happiness left, a long time ago. While I used to embrace the fact that I did associate myself with many others, I have realized that having absolutely no friends to lean on or talk to when times are tough is one of the most miserable feelings. I wish I had someone to talk to other than my mother and cats.
COVID-19, along with the new adjustments of this semester, has forced me to realize that I am truly not happy in my life. Having to adjust to the new restrictions – from when I can and can’t go to school, to when I can enter a store to get toilet paper, and it got the best of me early into the pandemic. Seeing my friends and family struggle financially, as well as facing my own personal struggles and the closures of my favorite places, has sent me into a deeper depression – just like I was initially in.
It all came to a head when both my mother and I were diagnosed with COVID-19 in early April of this year. Since I was concerned about my mother’s health, I put my own on the backburner. I wasn’t taking any antibiotics to help fight the virus, as I didn’t care if I died from it. It wasn’t until the coronavirus was out of my body that I seriously started asking myself what I was living for: a question that I still haven’t been able to answer. At this point in my life, I am running on autopilot. I have used up all the tears that I was given at birth and I just feel numb. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am not content. I am just a vessel going through the motions.
My parents? My sister? My niece? My cats? I’m not sure. It feels like everything I do is for everyone else but myself. I don’t think I ever loved myself nearly as much as I should, and at this point, others’ happiness from seeing me succeed does not satisfy me anymore. I guess until I find out my purpose, I will continue doing what I am doing to see others smile and continue trying to find myself.
So, I guess this is my coming-out post. No pretending. No armor. No fake smiles. Just me.
I just hope that one day I will be able to build a bridge over the river I have cried and then walk over it to the other side and finally find my happiness.