I hate when I try on an outfit, look in the mirror, and begin to wish I could change almost every little thing about myself. I start to wish I had skinnier arms, wider hips, less stomach fat, a bigger butt, and sometimes a thinner face.
I don’t like doing that to myself; I don’t like comparing myself to other women online. I can’t help it.
I wish one day I could gain self-love and confidence so I wouldn’t think like that anymore. If only it were that easy.
My weight is something that I’ve struggled with for a very long time, ever since I was a kid. I used to be a chunky little girl. I used to compare myself to the skinny girls at school.
When I hit puberty, I lost a lot of weight. I was thinner than I used to be, but not small enough like the other girls. I always felt so ugly and unseen. My stomach wasn’t as flat as theirs. The boys just made fun of me. I just felt like a joke.
In high school, I struggled more with my weight. I started to look at my butt-or lack thereof. I began to hate my stomach even more. All of these insecurities stopped me from wearing a lot of the clothes I wanted to wear. I didn’t want to wear crop tops or tight shirts. I wore so many oversized sweaters, cardigans, and hoodies.
All my friends were skinny and pretty. All the boys wanted them. To me, they couldn’t understand what I felt.
It wasn’t until college that I started to dress a little more out of my comfort zone. I tried on more clothes that my friends recommended to me and some clothes I actually liked. That inspired me to try on different clothing.
I fell in love with mom-jeans. They’re comfortable, they hide my stomach, and they’re cute. For some time, I thought people would point out to their friends, or anyone, that I was wearing them to hide my fat. Then I realized that I liked them. So why am I making up a situation that didn’t even happen, just to hurt my feelings?
I started wearing more tube tops and spaghetti straps. I’m still insecure about my arms but I noticed those shirts are cute on me, and I focus on that. Then later, when I become insecure about my arms because it’s going to happen, I just remember how good I look.
I began wearing dresses again. Up until last year, I hadn’t worn a dress since I was a child. I put on this red dress, and I felt so pretty and confident. Up until that point, I always wanted to feel like that. I always do.
Some days I do feel pretty without having to dress up. Some days I don’t, and that’s okay too. It’s okay to not feel confident all the time. We’re all human, and we’re all insecure about something. At the end of the day, no one cares about what you’re wearing or how you look because everyone is just focused on how they look.
This past spring, I started working out a little and eating healthy. That only lasted a month. I didn’t hate it that much I have pretty good self-control, but some days I missed eating whatever I wanted. I think the main problem was that I just wasn’t ready for that commitment. Now I continue to eat whatever I want.
My weight still bothers me but not as much as before. It’s taken many years for me to get to that point, but progress is still progress.
There are days when I pick at everything, yet I always tell myself to stop being so hard on myself. There’s no reason to do that when life is already as hard as it is.
Every day I try to remind myself of the parts of me that I do like. It helps me appreciate myself more.
There are other days where that doesn’t work, so I tell myself that even if I don’t see my own beauty, maybe someone else does. Or maybe, some other girl wants what I have.
At the end of the day, what others think of us shouldn’t matter. We shouldn’t need anyone else validation. We just need our own.