We are almost nine months behind us and three months ahead before a new year, and much contemplating has been done in my life around this time. I have looked over my forgotten “new year, new me,” list from last year.
I’ve listed those I have to work on forgiving and all the hurdles I want to leave behind by the new year. As my mind, body, and soul are taking a journey of reflection, around this time as I often do, I can’t help but feel a sense of gratitude as I reflect on what life was only a year ago.
Last week was my first time back on campus since I left in March of 2020, but it feels phenomenal to be back to what life was before COVID-19.
Though last year was complete chaos, and during the time, I would have never admitted it, it was a deeply needed time.
I would not be who I am today without the time I was given and took for myself during this past year. My emotions differ, but I can honestly say that before COVID-19 made quarantine and zoom our new norm my life never stopped moving.
I was focused on the wrong objectives and not living up to my standards. My emotions were all over the place, my relationships were harder to handle, and I did not understand who I was in the slightest, though I thought I did.
How could I take time to reflect when my life was filled with so many other distracting factors? We spend every day with ourselves but often don’t know who we are, so I accepted and went through the same obstacles in life.
You can’t learn math without learning how to count, meaning you can’t understand yourself when you never had time to do so. As children, we are told to “sit down and think about your actions,” but adults only get timeouts in prison.
Our lives are a mixture of work, bills, and taking care of others, including ourselves, emotions, and life’s everyday roller coaster. The worry is never-ending, and the craziness of our world only increases daily.
This pandemic forced me to face who I was in every form and deal with the underlying issues, which caused the most significant matters. I had to understand my beginning, so I could live in my present and grasp my future. I couldn’t run away from me.
By getting to the core of deep-rooted issues, I saved my relationship with others and myself. Though we’re no longer on quarantine, and most restrictions have been lifted, I am still the healed version of myself.
I always used to think my healing journey was beginning or taking place, but it couldn’t have been when it never started. Before the pandemic, I was lost, without knowing it.
School never made sense because I was doing it for everyone else and never focused. The future I saw was the one others wanted for me in their time, which I hated because of my residing issues that pushed back against those thoughts.
My life had not been my own for a while, and the depression and crippling anxiety that followed me around like a puppy were still there. After taking a break from classes to reflect on what and who was important, my life changed because I decided.
Opening up my heart to be receptive to seeing who I was, good and a bit different, changed my life. If a pandemic, never began I would still barely be living.
Reflecting on the year 2020 almost resembles the memories I made as a child; there but barely remembered. The ambiance of the year will forever remain spine-chilling and surprising, but the memories have faded away, almost as if my mind compartmentalized all of those triggering moments.
Death and sickness became an all too familiar recurrence. Our lives changed by the fault of no one, but was it not one of the most challenging moments? But as I reflect, I am filled with gratitude and humility over those days because, though complex and extremely unknowing, I have made it through.
This is my story and what I have gone through. I can only speak on my truth authentically and freely because I hope that my words of “I’ve been there too,” will help and encourage others to believe that nothing is impossible.
Through a time of great turmoil, you are still here, despite the circumstances. Now there are multiple vaccines, and the world is healing.
Your life has a purpose and a meaning. You deserve to heal and to move forward without all the heavyweight. I encourage everyone to take the time to get to know who you are as an individual.
Learn your triggers, become comfortable in your flaws, and heal your inner child who might’ve gone through experiences that formed you into who you are today. Learn to love everyone without conditions, no matter who it is.