Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face and you told me how proud you were but I walked away. If only I knew that I was gonna lose you the same day to a car accident. I would hold you deep in my arms and tell you how much I love you, I would tell you endless times how proud I am of being your son and I would tell you thank you for bringing me into this world.
It’s funny, I thought I was over it, but as I am writing this tears in my eyes are dropping into my face slowly. I don’t have any pictures of you hugging me or holding me as a teenager. I only have a few moments with you captured as a photo when I was a child. Sometimes I wonder why aren’t you with me anymore.Why life did this to you. I need your support. Your strength. Your affectionate personality. I try not to hold on to our past, but fortunately you are a piece of history in my life that I will never forget. Yet I strive to not hold you and set you free. You are my father and will always be. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to hear your voice again, to continue to love you – even thought you are no longer with me physically.
Every boy grows aspiring to be like his father. Every time Father’s Day comes around, I cry. I hated so much how others have their dads with them, except me. I wished and prayed to God that I would get to see you at least one more time. I just want you to see me; to see how much I have grown since the last time you saw me.
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won’t be there,; some days I feel broken inside but I won’t admit it. I just wanna hide because it’s you who I miss. It’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to you Dad. On Christmas Eve, I remember you the most throughout my tears, because my birthday is around that time and I am expecting you to say “Happy Birthday,” but there is a big silence again. Would you help me understand? I just don’t wanna let you go. I miss you. Hopefully you are proud of who I am. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have just one more chance to look into your eyes and kiss you and tell you all my teenage crazy stories and I’ll be waiting for your advice, like a good boy.
Dad I wanna thank you for everything you did for our family. Things are different now that you’re no longer with us. Can I just turn back time?
I am done and I feel like our world’s been infected because of death, and somehow you left me neglected when I needed you the most. I am not blaming you not at all; it’s just how I used to feel when I was growing up dad.
That all changed.
I wanted to take the pain away but the only way I can do so is by expressing myself. I forgive all your mistakes. Every morning that I am awake, I look up to the sky and somehow I feel connected to you. The man that raised me until his death and showed me how beautiful is to have the love of your dad. The outspoken, overly confident man who taught me to never let fear hold me back. The man who was sweet and who looked physically just like me. Don’t you understand the damage you have done by leaving me? My anxiety of calling somebody Dad in absence of your presence. My feeling of love towards my Dad, and the resilience of my body to admit that you are gone.
Recently, my nephew asked me for his grandfather and I was speechless; I did not know how to react. I told him that you are gone but you are always watching him from the sweetest place ever. I pray that one day you will find your way to speak to me. I pray that you’ll still be proud of me ten years from now. Most of all, I pray that one day we can be together as we were once at one moment in life.
All of us.
I thank God to gave me such an incredible Dad. However I wanna thank him for giving me such an amazing Mother too which is the reason for me to keep living. For now I am sure that you will be protecting our family from your wide distance.
All else aside, today I love you more than ever. As much as it hurts, I love you Dad.
Thank you for all you’ve done.