I felt so lazy last weekend. I didn’t even want to get out of my bed. I felt like doing nothing but lying down. I know that is because I had no plans and my friends all went to the city.
Yes, I feel lazy and lose all my drive whenever I feel lonely.
I thought I would be alone for a whole day, so I didn’t take a shower and didn’t even brush my teeth, which made me lonelier. I was so lonely that it felt funny just to lie there in my blanket, staring at an empty wall.
I know me, so, I know that just being in my bed helps me get through it. But, I forced myself to get out of bed because I didn’t want to waste my time. I wanted to do something new and fun.
I have a very limited time here in America. I have to go back to Korea when this semester is over, so I want to bring beautiful memories to my house, not just the memory of my room.
Eventually, I succeeded in sitting. Then, I couldn’t figure out what to do next. After a while, I just decided to take a walk outside. I took a quick shower and brought my little camera. Finally, after all those hours, I breathed the fresh air outside.
It was already evening when I got out. The breeze was blowing gently and the temperature was perfect. The sun was setting and that sunset made the atmosphere feel like a movie: a really old movie.
I found a quiet path behind Mercy Hall. Walking this new path under the sunset, I felt like I was in Wonderland. Even the manhole cover looked exotic and the trees (those trees we always see around Mercy) looked like the tree in the movie, Harry Potter, which I really love.
At the end of the path, I landed in the parking lot behind Mercy Hall and I was going to return to my room because a parking lot is just a parking lot, even in Wonderland. At that moment, I recognized another small path. It is really weird that I recognized that path, because it was really small and it was almost hidden by the building.
I followed the path. I don’t know why but I felt I should. I was right. I found a beautiful grass field. I couldn’t imagine there would be somewhere like this. The windows of the buildings were glowing and the grass looked green-yellow, not just green. Most importantly, there was the Hudson River beside the field. This field was empty but private. I just sat on the bench. When I closed my eyes. I could feel the breeze brushing my face. When I opened my eyes, the beautiful Hudson River turned into pink and red and was twinkling like a fine painting by an obscure artist.
I felt bad when I thought that I might forget this moment, so I took pictures. I put beautiful scenes not only in my eyes but also in the pictures.
That day, I didn’t even say a word. It was a really lonely day, however, I know it could be a lonelier day if I didn’t push myself to go out. I just admitted and confronted that I am lonely. Then, I could finally stand being by myself. Actually, I enjoyed it. It was good sitting alone on the bench. I imagined some non-sense but fancy dreams and pretended that I was thinking something amazing. The only time when I felt sad was that no-one could take a picture of me.
Sometimes, feelings come to us by themselves even without knocking, as “lonely” just came to me last weekend. But, we are stronger than feelings. We can attract those feelings and also kick them out. I kicked out “lonely” and attracted “funny and new.” Don’t make your feelings dominate your day, even if it is just ‘a’ day. Be brave to defeat our feelings or be braver to enjoy our feelings.