There are a lot of things that I am in my head. Over the years, I’ve built this over accomplished version of myself. A person I can work my way up to. A person that is rid of her inhibitions. Someone who loves wildly and isn’t afraid of what people think about her. The Ihsani in my head is everything that I’m not.
In my head I have accomplished my goals. Ideally in my head I am married with children and my life is easier. Hopefully one day I can make that one single goal come true. Oftentimes I feel as though I am undeserving of it. Because at 21 I am still so naive, so inexperienced, so… young.
Outside of the little world I have created for myself,the place where I go to when I day dream. I am a writer (struggling) but a writer still. I am getting better at doing my makeup. I talk a lot when comfortable. I am someone overcoming depression.
But in my head I am so much more than that. In my head, my problems haven’t scathed me. In my head everything is effortless. It’s peaceful. I am both someone’s worst nightmare and their cherished desire.
In my head I am a published writer and a freelancer on the side.
In my head I can speak Guyanese Patois better.
In my head I do book tours.
In my head I’ve moved past my differences and made amends.
I am a popular YouTube guru.
In my head I started dancing again.
In my head I can DRIVE STICK SHIFT.
In my head I have graduated already. (I thought about quitting more times this semester than I have in the last 4 years.)
In my head I have fallen in love again.
I am financially stable.
I am an awesome older sister (not that I’m not but I can always be better)
I have made my mother proud.
My friendships are stronger.
In my head, I have friends.
In my head I can speak Korean, Arabic and Spanish more fluently.
In my head I am a freaking superhero. I am striving to do that now. The fact is, in my head I am a lot of things. I am a lot things that I’m not and a lot of things that I am. In my head, I am me.