You ever just stand in the mirror, staring at your reflection wishing you could see yourself through the eyes of others? Well I have, in fact I find myself doing it more than usual. Why? Because I’m confused.
Growing up I was never the girl who walked in a room and stole glances, but I wanted to be. Instead I was the girl who secretly crushed on boys afraid to tell anyone because I knew that the feelings would never be mutual. I had no sense of style and no clue on to how to care for my hair. My teeth were horrible, so I smiled with my mouth closed and laughed with my hands cusped in front of my face. This was the way I was for as long as I could remember.
It wasn’t until high school that I started to take an interest in my appearance. I would get small compliments here and there, but there was one thing that still bothered me.
After graduating high school, I decided to take it upon myself to get braces. I felt that correcting my smile would break me free of all my insecurities, but I was wrong.
After a year of having a metal mouth, I was able to take my braces off and my teeth were the straightest they have ever been – still are. Braces were probably one of my best decisions, but it didn’t fix my insecurities. Sure, now when I walk in a room I may steal a few glances here and there, but I only know that because of what people tell me. When I walk in a room, I usually walk in with my head down or buried into my phone.
Sometimes I go out with friends and certain people approach me, and because I lack confidence, it turns them off. And I can’t blame them. In my mind, I’m still that girl in junior high school with the frizzy hair and bucked teeth.
I laugh when strangers judge me as a conceited or cocky person because I am the absolute opposite. My freshman year I was such a loner because I was too shy to make friends, so people labeled me as “Hollywood.” I’m still laughing at the thought. Which brings me back to my opening statement.
I really wish I could see myself through the eyes of others. Maybe then I would walk a little taller and hold my head a little higher.
These insecurity issues go a little deeper than just looks. Sometimes I won’t apply for a job or internship because I’m always thinking in the back of my head, “there’s always someone faster, better, stronger.” This is when I get disappointed in myself.
The other night a friend and I had a short conversation through text, and in that short moment whether he knows it or not, he inspired me. A friend I’ve known for almost four years showed me a side of him that I have never seen before, a side of him that was confident, sure, and completely fearless. I needed to become this person.
There are things that I want to accomplish and I can’t do so if I remain this scared girl filled with years of insecurities and zero confidence. So the next time I stare in the mirror, I will look at myself and pretend that I am seeing myself for the first time because the reality is that I am not the girl I was ten years ago. I’m not even the girl I was four years ago.
With that being said, I can continue to change my outside appearance, but I will never reach my full potential or be truly satisfied with myself until I fix the issues that are within. As far as me being afraid to go after my dreams, my friend said something that stuck with me and that is, “failure is never a possibility, it is only an idea.”