So you want to be a douche bag? Throughout history people have been pissing off other people, its just human nature but how does a member of modern society go about ruining the day of others? Here a few sure fire tips to get a few dirty looks or even a nice shiner.
1. Update your Google + account through your Google Glass.
Google glass will always be a way to spot the douche in the crowd. It’s going to be years until the actual technology is around to make it acceptable to wear in public and be useful. It’s pretty much the newer version of the handsfree bluetooth headset, just little creepier…
Google is always coming up with new ideas to change the world and along with Google +, Google Chrome and now Google Glass they have invented the modern snob. He walks around talking to his ‘Glass’ and is streaming all the video back to his television so he can re-watch how many people gave him a dirty look on his way to work.
2. Constantly upload things online.
Nobody cares about you. There is no need for you to demonically post every single thing about your life on social media. Nobody wants to read about how you took a quiz on Buzzfeed about what you should eat for dinner and then share your results on Facebook and then pin a load of images of pasta on Pinterest and then tweet about how you actually want pasta, then Instagram a picture of you with a wooden spoon with the hash-tags #hungry #food #pastalife #selfie, then you tweet about how much you love cooking, then you Instagram a picture of your shitty looking microwaved pasta #sogood #getinmybelly and then post on Facebook how much of a culinary genius you are.
3. Take Gym Selfies.
Selfies are currently overtaking the world and Snapchat and Instagram have just been the catalyst to push the selfie-nation into hyperspace.
We know it’s leg day. We know you have abs. We know that you go to the gym every other day from 4-6pm because you post a selfie every single time.
Regular people hate going to the gym, we sweat, we are in pain and we get intimidated by the people like you doing sit ups in-front of the mirror, kissing your reflection with every 50 reps.
4. Walk slowly.
If you happen to be walking then that normally means you have somewhere to go, so why do people take it upon themselves to walk like a zombie, shuffling their feet along a corridor or pathway and blocking me from getting from A to B. The likely reason is that they just have no regards for anything that is going on around them, they have a total lack of respect for others and are just outright morons. Or they are uploading their recent gym selfie.
5. Your vocabulary includes words such as ‘Yo’ ‘Bro’ Whaddup’ & ‘Totally’
Just some quick advice, all modern phones, tablets & laptops have built in thesaurus’ and dictionaries into them and they are free. Use them.
I don’t think I can’t handle another person coming up to me in the hallway and asking me ‘What’s up’ because the only reasonable answer I can come up with is “A directional vector with no force”
I’m sure you may think it’s ‘cool’ to start your sentences with the word hashtag and and make silly noises that sound like words but to be completely honest with you, when you walk into a room, everybody looses IQ points.
6. Go tanning.
Does this really need an explanation? I’m sure that in your little mind that no matter what you see in the reflection of your mirror you look like Adonis even if you do glow brighter than orange fluorescent highlighter…
If you really think that turning up to the club looking like a satsuma is going to get you any female attention then you’re wrong. Everything about this is just wrong on so many levels. If you live in a sunny location where you get a real tan then I’m sure you will look fabulous but to actually pay money to sit in a brightly lit coffin exposing yourself to harmful UV rays then I’m sorry, but you are the epitome of a douche bag.