I Chose Love

I Chose Love

When I was 4-years-old, my father left me. His physical presence was still on Earth, but he was no longer in mine. At the age of 11, my father became the first man ever to break my heart, and soon after that life-changing event, anxiety and depression became a constant in my life.

My pain was buried as a way to heal, but the feelings never left, and subconsciously I just suppressed them. As I matured into a young lady, more issues began to present themselves. Feelings of unworthiness within myself; the need to be validated continuously; and the intense fear of rejection controlled my life. I never thought I was enough or worthy of real love and attention because of the refusal and coldness being projected onto me.

Boys and men began to show interest in me and didn’t truly understand my worth as an individual. I gave more of myself than I ever should have. Relationships progressed and failed because I struggled to love myself and acknowledge the years of suppressed feelings, honestly.

College became harder and harder for me. I refused to attend parties; I barely spoke to anyone; and in friendships, I gave so much of myself to opportunists, but the blame always fell on me in my head. I was labeled as mean because I didn’t speak, which made me feel worse because I wasn’t a mean girl, but just someone who didn’t have much confidence and worried often.

So much of me felt lost and completely broken as I struggled to feel like my feet were ever truly touching the ground. This year, I made my 20th cycle around the sun, and it seemed as though I started to unravel myself, layer by layer, and I finally began to understand me. I found love within myself, rather than in someone else, and I dug up my inner child, who had been hurt all those years ago and hid away to protect itself. I learned that every journey we make in life isn’t going to be easy, but making that journey to connect with your most authentic self is one of the most essential and needed journeys you should take.

Memories and feelings can hurt, but sometimes unleashing that suppressed pain can bring you pure euphoria. Finding yourself and forgiving those who have damaged you even in, the smallest way, is how I have learned to unlock love within me. Journaling, meditating, and purposely reminding myself who I am as an individual without others’ views distorting mine, has been proven the healthiest route. Through my journey and my trials and tribulations, I became the woman I am today, and for the first time, I can easily say I am proud of me.

My feelings of unworthiness and fear to receive love slowly melted away from my heart. I chose to love myself because I knew that that was the only way I could positively attract better relationships and remove all of the excess baggage I was holding onto from my childhood.

Choose love and choose you.