Well it’s over folks.

The Spring 2021 semester here at Mercy College has officially wrapped and I’m leaving feeling tired, lost, anxious and ready (just to name a few). A little over a year ago today we began this interesting experience called lockdown which has affected all of our lives in some way. For some people, it completely turned their world upside down and for others it probably wasn’t so bad living their lives from home and not having to change (or wear) pants. Either way we have all been through a weird journey for the past year and deserve some praise for sticking it out despite all that has been placed against us.

As I said in the beginning, the Spring 2021 semester is finished so I would like to spend some time self reflecting on things that I have done well and things that I have bombed at. I started the Fall 2021 semester feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. After having a shaky summer and being forced to rest at home (since nothing was open) I felt ready to jump back into work and make it the best semester yet which translated well in my performance. Despite taking all online class and having countless questions, I performed very well and worked very hard to get great grades in the end.

However, my energy didn’t translate this semester.

The Spring 2021 semester started off well too, not as strong as the previous but still good regardless. I did very well when it came to submitting assignments early (and correctly), I was very interactive in classes and I felt productive and ready to push on. However, in the final month I have been feeling not like myself and off. I have felt extremely burnt out and I have been terrible at submitting my final assignments. I’ve also felt very spaced out in my everyday life and am having trouble having conversations with others without falling into a daze mid conversation. I don’t want to make this post into a cry for help but I’m not sure what went wrong or what is happening to me. I want to do my normal activities/responsibilities but I feel physically unable to.

I’ve never felt like this before and I am actually concerned that I’m slowly on the brink on a mental breakdown that is threatening to derail all the hard work I have put in in my time here at Mercy College. I had a experience similar to this five years ago during my junior year in High School where I started randomly started sobbing in my Biology class and was rushed to the school psychologist. From there, I had mandatory school therapy sessions twice a week and dealt with “Are You Okay?” stares for the rest of my High School Experience.

But I was able to get my work done in the end and you barley notice that anything was wrong with me.

I know it sounds like I’m being lazy but I’m not (I’m naturally lazy so I can tell the difference). For example, yesterday I was planning out a study guide for a upcoming Spanish test and I literally broke into tears as I wrote the first sentence. I write study guides before every test I have ever taken since my freshman year in high school but I physically couldn’t finish making it and I am still stuck on that first sentence.

I’m in a unnatural position. Mentally ready to do something but physically unable to.

Even though I feel like a spell was put on me, I would also like to acknowledge the positives that have happened recently. I’m about to be a auntie (again) which has been a stressful experience so far but I’m sure it will pay off once the baby is here. I’m finally going to be fully legal in less that a month (turning 21). I guess that means I can go into clubs and drink alcohol right? I’ve been been into that stuff but now that I can finally do it (legally) I guess I should start. I need to catch up with what the kids are doing. My cats are still alive and healthy despite their “old” age and needy tendencies. Finally, I can’t leave without stating how grateful I am to have survived the current pandemic while still having my immediate family by my side.

As I said before. I’m not sure what’s wrong but I’ll spend the summer figuring it out and when I do I’ll come back stronger and ready to finish on a high note.