Humans are funny.

We lose our marbles as soon as something happens that throws off the normalcy in our lives.

This worldwide pandemic has made itself comfortable all around us and I’ve noticed how while some are afraid of running out of toilet paper, others have a more emotional reaction.

Sometimes our fanciful minds can’t help but conjure up old feelings during times like these.

Sit me down under a blanket with just my kitten and a cup of tea and tell me I can’t leave – suddenly I’m waiting for a knock at the door as if everything that’s going on is enough to change the past.

It’s amazing what comes up from inside of us while we’re in distress; that underlying hope that something so crazy as this has the power to turn things we might otherwise not have wanted into a fantasy.

So, I’m sitting inside alone; “quarantined,” wondering what it would be like if we were still together; riding this out hand in hand. I’m not sad, I’m just thinking; reminiscing.

There’s a song called “If the World Was Ending” by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels, and it pulls at my heartstrings, especially right now.

My friend, Fiona, was talking to me the other day about this song and how it really couldn’t be more perfect, but how people with imaginations like mine should avoid listening to it during these trying times.

Fiona went through a breakup right around the same time I did a year ago. We’ve had constant conversations about the fact that even though we both were the ones to walk away from our toxic relationships, it still hurt.

There are random days here and there when something just triggers those feelings again, especially this week since my ex and I would’ve been celebrating our anniversary, and not to mention the fact that this coronavirus has ultimately left us no choice but to sit home in our feelings right now.

Thankfully, Fiona is always there to set me straight.

We laugh, we remind each other not to forget the reasons we left, and we move on.

During one of our recent heart-to-hearts, she shared something that she had written after her breakup that she knew I would relate to.

There were some things she’d said that hit me harder than others.

_____

I have exhausted all the “what-ifs” and the words that should have been but never were said. I have fully realized that no matter what I did or could’ve done, this would have been the ultimate outcome.

I was never your match, and nor were you mine.

I loved the days and nights shared. I loved the laughs and security. I loved falling asleep next to your body and waking up knowing it was not a dream.

What we had was good for what it was, but beyond that – it was nothing more.

I fell deeply for the “you” I made up in my head; the version of you I convinced myself I could create.

Thank you for showing me a simple connection.

Thank you for ceasing to love me once I fell into your blind spot. I needed to know that people like you exist; people who will throw my love away in an instant.

Thank you for teaching me to cherish my love and protect it with gates of steel.

I deserve moons and mountains more than you have ever been and will ever be.

Thank you for opening my eyes.
_____

I love this. It speaks to me. It makes me realize that I don’t really need to wait for the feelings and memories to leave completely in order for me to feel free.

I have moved on. I am free. I’m free because of that relationship and all the times that gave me these memories.

I just need to embrace them and appreciate the knowledge that I now have because of them. They may never leave me, but it’s okay. Without them, I may not be certain now of what I do and don’t want in my life.

Those memories belong to a vital part of my journey; a time that presented me with one of the biggest choices I probably ever had or ever will have to make. I want those reminders to stick around.

This absolutely would have been the ultimate outcome. She was right. It’s up to me, though, to choose how I move forward knowing that.

Her words will surely stick with me, but then there are those songs that make me listen extra close for the sound of a pebble against my window in the wee hours of the night, and sometimes, we need a bit of that in our lives too.