I have lost all motivation to do any school work. I’m totally spent. I would be more than ecstatic to never have to look at Blackboard’s horribly programmed site ever again. I’ve never really had a problem like this before but realized that it could be Super Senioritis.

My lack of motivation did not just happen over night, although there are some nights were it does intensify. Last semester I worked my butt off and it showed. I managed to adjust to living into an apartment away from all the distractions of campus and figured out how to fend for myself when it came to making food and doing dishes. I figured out how to live totally on my own and how to deal with passive aggressive neighbors. I was able to keep on top of my school work. So much so that I had landed a 4.0 at the end of the semester. I had thought that I would feel like I had done something really successful and the people that I wanted (my parents) would be proud of me. My parents congratulated me and that was it. For a few moments I hoped to feel proud that I had gotten all A’s in college but it never happened. It never really felt like I did enough. I almost wanted to question the professors that I had to see if I really had earned the grade. I know that I had done enough.   The 6+ hours a day working on homework had to have been enough because if it wasn’t then there was no other possible ways to get a 4.0 and that would mean we have a very large problem in our education systems.

All that work that I had put in, all those hours I had spent with my eyes glued to a book, all the panic attacks over tests, all the extra assignments I didn’t need to do weren’t worth it. Getting that 4.0 didn’t seem like an accomplishment. It felt like something someone had told me I had to do, like it was just as easy as closing a door when it took hours of torture to accomplish. Thinking about it now feels like a nightmare and the worst part is now I have to exact opposite happening.

Homework isn’t happening very easily. I can plan out when and were I’ll do it and at what time and for how long but it just never seems to happen. It’s almost painful to think about doing it. I have such a limited amount of time to do things that I actually want to do, things that need to be done in order to help myself and this stupid homework is asking me to put it all on the back burner so I can better my education. Well I’ve bettered my education. I’ve bettered it so hard that its now put me almost 30,000 in debt plus through rounds of self torture in the form of lectures from professors that don’t give a hoot as to what they are talking about, and from being forced to spend time with other students who should still be in the 6^th grade.
I’m over school. Totally over it. I don’t want anything more to do with it other than getting an expensive piece of paper. The piece of paper is still very far away and I can’t just blow off the rest of the semester like I would like to. I still need to keep working hard even though it doesn’t seem worth when I could be using my time to be working on myself. Unfortunately for me now that I know that giving it my all doesn’t feel rewarding there is even less of an incentive.