I know I might be coming off as an 80-year-old grandpa, but screw it, you all need to be told the truth.

SMARTPHONES ARE TERRIBLE.

Oh, and before you make the argument,  “Oh Mark you own one too, don’t be a baby,” let me make one thing clear: I don’t own a smartphone in any capacity.

I own a Cosmo phone with a sliding keyboard. It looks so much better than that tacky piece of garbage you are using. They always have, and always will.

They were cute at first, with their Wi-Fi and their apps, but they are also the lamest looking piece of tech on the market. Don’t lie to me on this one, you’re probably reading this on one of those contraptions right now.

If so, I hope you drop it.

That way you’ll see the first problem with these stupid things:  the touchscreen. Now I come from a gaming based background, so I have a bit of a different feel for touch screens than most people.

We got them on the old Nintendo DS, and after a few games, the community was lukewarm to the mechanic. Sure, if you’re an artist then the touch screen is the greatest thing in the world since sliced bread, but if your apart of the population that likes having a life than you don’t get much out of it. Anything the screen can do can easily be done with a button.

So, most games now at days don’t use the touch screen, at least outside of mobile gaming. Even then it’s more about the need and less about desire.

But the non-gamers, you godless pagans, are still in love with the stupid concept. You ignore the fact that if that screen gets so much as a scratch on it your ability to use the phone goes out the window, along with your money. And let’s not forget that cracked screen look, oh how it looks so stupid.

Furthermore, touch screen keyboards are always a pain to handle, I click one thing and it enters the thing right next to it. And no, I shouldn’t need to calibrate the screen because buttons are just better. Click and done — that’s it.

Swiping is for those of us who enjoy gimmicks.

And FYI — if you need a special separate protector case that wasn’t built into the product, your being scammed. We all know they could have built the case into the phone but didn’t because of profits.

Speaking of profits, my god. If you can afford to replace your phone every year, f–k you.

Like on principle, f–k you.

Especially if you’re one of those “the environment” types, because I got news for you, buddy. That phone is a bigger piece of waste than my garbage can.

When did tech become so disposable? The answer when Apple wanted more money. They don’t really do much with the new phones, in fact, they take stuff away. We didn’t need to get rid of the headphone jack, you just wanted to charge more for your brain-dead replacement that’s somehow worse than the original product.

Oh and all you “humanitarians” out there? Go look up a country called China and their factories, I guarantee your rose gold (such a dumb color) won’t look so golden anymore.

I will never buy a smartphone on the grounds that they are just as greedy as Wall Street. Why liberals like them, I don’t know. Maybe its hypocrisy, maybe its hipster life at work. Or they are just stupid.

I mean their sense of style is down the gutter. It’s a rectangle people, nothing cool about it. No number of pallet swaps will change that fact. I can’t get myself hyped up for a rectangle for ten years in a row. Seriously ten years and no one thought of a different look.

Your lack of creativity seriously disturbs me.

Seriously, every smartphone company can go burn, I don’t need them and neither do you. The fact that you act as you do shows you have a problem.

I guarantee the fastest way to kill a man now at days is to take away his smartphone for two hours, he’ll throw himself out the window at some point.

Because Twitter and Facebook are so important.

Smartphones have made all of you wimps.

And that’s fine, you can continue to tear away at your social skills.

I hope you’re happy with your empty wallets and lack of style.

I’ll just sit over here with my regular, cheap, phone. I’ll have it for years and maximize.

UPDATE: My beloved slide phone was destroyed and I have since been forced by my family and loved ones into getting a smartphone. It has crippled my productivity, sucks up data and is a general detriment to my life. I hate it and resent it. I will always stand by what I said in this column despite now being forced to own one.