I look at pictures of my younger self and I apologize to her.

The little girl has a grin on her face five minutes after someone painted three butterflies on her face. One on both rosy cheeks and one on her forehead, completely unaware of that sad feeling she will have on that one Wednesday sometime before three in the morning on the first day of March 2023.

Sorry Steph, for feeling like this right now.

It is 2:37 a.m. and my head hurts as I keep thinking about what has happened, overthinking everything that comes to mind.

Over almost four years, it has happened three times that a guy seemingly has found himself “the one” right after being exclusive with me for a longer period of time.

Three times. What do they say about three times again?

Oh, right.

“Once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern.”

Lovely…

Ending things with someone is not exactly fun. A person who you have spent lots of time with; a person you had strong feelings for; a person you felt happier than ever with; a person you felt you could share everything with; a person you hoped you never had to say goodbye to.

Seeing them find someone else a little later is not exactly fun either. Someone better; someone nicer; someone prettier; someone perfect.

When did things go wrong? How did I not see it coming? Am I really that stupid? Was I really that blind?

Sometimes I think I am going to be known as that girl that while you are with her, you will find your actual true love. In a way, I will be the unimportant one. The one they will easily forget about now they have found their person.

Am I really that girl who is the one before you find your soulmate? Am I really that girl who makes someone realize that being with me is exactly the thing they are not looking for? Am I really the perfect example of that girl you should not be with?

I will be the one they are going to compare their current, probably everlasting, relationship with and say things like “everything is so much better with you than it was with the girl before you came along”.

They might not say it out loud, but I bet that thought crosses their mind sometimes.

Isn’t it weird, how a person who once made you feel like you were everything to them, now makes you feel like you are nothing?

Trying to come up with answers to these questions makes my head hurt even more.

I am not that girl who has not been able to move on, because I have fortunately. But sometimes, during these late nights, those thoughts cannot seem to leave my head for hours.

“Why is it like this?”

“Is there something wrong with me?”

For ninety-nine percent, I am sure there is nothing wrong with me. But then why is this something that seems to be happening all the time? How is this a pattern? It sounds to me like I am cursed.

Some will try to convince me by saying: their loss, right?

Yes, I guess.

But is it really their loss if it seems they have found the one right after being with me?