You know it’s tough, I stare at my screen, and I have no idea how to begin talking about learning how to accept oneself when in reality. I don’t even know how to. But still, day-to-day, I think at times I catch glimpses of where I do find some sort of self-worth and self-love.

Growing up was tough. Imagine going to middle/high school in the Bronx and being very poor. I didn’t have the newest Jordans, a family friend would give me haircuts, and sometimes my mom (although when she did it, she cut me bald). Being bullied at a young age caused me to be introverted, and at times, have a very short fuse. I had to learn how to control my anger as I grew, and it made me more patient and understanding.

Here I am now in college. I did everything I could to increase confidence: change my hairstyle, get better clothes, talk to more women, hit the gym, and yet my confidence wavered ever so slightly. It took me about four to five years to finally self-reflect and figure out what it was. I think on some level I’m beginning to get it: I was/am not the man yet.

To explain, let’s go back to my younger years. When my father and mother split, my mom and all the other adults told me, “You are the man of the house now, take care of your mother.” At every stage of my life, I took it to heart, and when I felt like I failed in this mission, it really messed with my self-perception.

“The man is supposed to be strong, take care of those around him, be fearless!” Yet I was and still am fat, I struggle in taking care of things around the house or even at school. I felt my masculinity grow weaker when I saw others do what I have to do, but much faster and so much more efficiently. It sucks because you constantly look at your faults, the imperfections, and they feel as if they’re stopping you from being the dream version of yourself. At least that’s how I feel.

But I’ve had compliments, I have a loving and supportive family, a friend group that feels like family to me, an undergraduate soon to finish, and my loved ones tell me how great a man I am now. Even my crush tells me how amazing I am. But that is the problem, while I may hear them, I don’t listen. Sure, they feel that way, but I know I do not.

This thought process can be very taxing, at times toxic. You wanna believe them, right? But no one else’s opinion of you matters other than your own.

So with that in mind, what does a guy like me have to tell you? For starters, don’t make the same mistake I did: actually listen to those who love you when they say you’re awesome.  Don’t be afraid to reach out and speak to others, seek therapy, and no I’m not saying the kind that costs hundreds. I mean to reach out to someone who will listen and help you find your way.

Understand that life’s challenges will come, but you can overcome them. You don’t have to do it all alone. Finally, step out of your comfort zone. Go talk to that guy/girl you like, try to be a bit more social, speak up, if you wanna party, go do it. If you want that job, then fight for it. The comfort zone is nice at times, but you will never truly live the life you want to live if you stay there.

I might struggle to be the man that I want/need to be, and things might not work for me as intended. But it’s up to me to be better and understand that while I might see myself as a loser at times, I’ve won in situations where countless others have failed and given up. Going forward, I need to listen and think that maybe my loved ones are right about me.

So, going forward, let’s all move towards self-actualization and self-love. You may not be perfect, and you may struggle, but so long as you continue to learn and adapt, you’ll be a step closer to accepting yourself.