I’m trying to understand you and be in your position.

Is it that horrific to say sorry? Why do I always have to be the one who surrenders so that Mom doesn’t have to cry and for Dad not to be mad? Why don’t you realize that you hurt me and make things easier for everyone? You were the one who told me that it is actually more difficult to ignore someone than to actually say hi.

For two years, I had to hear you say things that you don’t like about me or my life or my decisions. For two years, I had to deal with your hatred for my sister and mother-in-law. You made Dad hate Antonio’s family. You didn’t let them come home on Christmas to say hi because it’s your “house and you need to feel comfortable.”

You really spent time making sure that our friends wouldn’t like them. Now, we can’t be in the same place as Antonio’s friends because of you. I always thought it wasn’t fair how angry you would get at me for going to places just because you don’t like the people that I was going to be with. Even at my proposal, you felt the need to spread hate to people who don’t have anything to do with our families. I don’t even want to mention how much you criticized Antonio for his proposal, his job, his personality, and basically, the way that he is.

You always have something to say. It’s incredible.

You made my relationship so much more difficult when the only task you had was to support me. I never got into your business. I never demanded anything from you at all. You manipulated many people with your words, and I still don’t understand why? Why that necessity to have an army of supporters?

I’m your sister! And this war doesn’t make any sense.

I left home two weeks ago and you already took my belongings out from our room, just like that,  like if I never belonged there. You really don’t care? It doesn’t hurt you at all that your sister had to leave because she couldn’t handle all the fights? Instead, you prefer to ignore me every time I go home. You act like I’m not there, like I’m invisible. And somehow you manage to make me feel bad and look like a bad person.

I told you many times to stop making stories up and putting everyone in very uncomfortable situations, that you were affecting many people, including me, and you didn’t care. I told you the truth when you asked me what was wrong. I tried to speak with you, even respectfully, but you turned the conversation 180 degrees and you told me that I was a spoiled little girl, that I have mental problems, and that you feel bad for me.

You literally attacked me and laughed at the situation with no filter. You used God to support your argument, and I hate that. You would influence Dad so much that he wouldn’t talk to me for months, and he would leave for his room every time I went home with Antonio.

Once you tried to make things better when I was very sad and was even about to end my relationship.

You said, “Is this because the family doesn’t like Antonio? If so, you shouldn’t do it because of us, but because you don’t love him.”

Well, I do love him. But all your stupid pressure, and your stupid comments, and coldness, and madness, was too much. And you don’t think I care about my family’s opinion? I don’t have anyone else, it’s always been us. Moving from city to city, I only had you guys, and of course I care and need your support and blessing.

I didn’t know what to do anymore. I wanted peace. I don’t like arguing, I hate it, so much. But I realize I’ve always wanted to please you, and mom and dad and the rest of the family. I was always careful not to disappoint anyone. Well now, I exploded. And I told you guys how I’ve been feeling these past two years, but you still wouldn’t change, so I left. 

The weird thing is that you do like Antonio, you were friends before I even met him. All of you know that he and his family are good people. But you need to make up some drama to entertain yourself. We could have shared so much together. Mom and Dad are moving back to Spain next summer and all of this garbage is going to be my memory of the last year together. 

I’m so mad at you. Why did you need to intrude in my life like that? I’m not a child. I’m not the little girl you would bully with your stupid boyfriend when you were 16. I’m done with this shit – you are 27. In other words, an adult, and you should realize that your actions have consequences. And when you do something wrong (if you care about the person) you should let go of your pride and apologize. Why is it so difficult for you?

Why? Why? Why?

Our parents taught us that our entire lives. You are literally letting your pride tear our relationship apart. You are letting your “toughness” destroy the joy of our weddings. We are both getting married, and this is wrong! It’s just wrong. If you don’t want to tell me about your wedding, or include me… fine. I honestly don’t care about the setting, the decoration, or the details. What I want is to be able to tell my sister that I’m super nervous to go and try on dresses for the first time in my life. That I’m scared of marriage and failure. You and I have seen firsthand how Mom and Dad aren’t the perfect examples of love… I just want to share this experience with you. I want to be happy and tell you everything.

Am I going to be able to do that soon? I hope this happened for the better. I really hope this is going to fix many broken parts in our sisterhood and that we can end up being each other’s best friends.

But I need a change.

I guess now, saying “I’m sorry” is not enough anymore. I need genuine repentance that is going to change everything.

I need my sister.