I wanted to run as far away from New York as I could for as long as I can remember. Everything was here in the Big Apple. Not the vast opportunities but my grief, anxiety, and depression. It consumed my life so much that I couldn’t think about what else I would be leaving behind. My mom, my grandma, my best friend.

“New York, you’re safer

And you’re wasting my time.”

New York was safer. It was a place of familiarity. A place of comfort. But staying within your comfort zone doesn’t allow you to move forward. It’s a waste of time.

So my sights were set on somewhere far away. 

Towards the end of high school, I had to choose a college. I worked at a dreadful restaurant, and I talked about my experience in “Muse of a Hostess.” Why does everyone I know and have spoken to seem to have such a horrible experience working in a restaurant? The only good part about it was I was in love with the waiter (or what I thought was love at the time). 

We would hang out usually on the weekends after work. I’d come home earlier than him since I was the hostess, shower, and wait for his “wyd” text. So romantic. I’d rush into my comfy clothes, throw on perfume, and sneak out of the house. All that effort and guilt toward my mom for sneaking out just to end up relaxing at his house. Never anywhere else.

“New York, I love you

But you’re bringing me down.”

I have no idea what I was thinking. I knew I deserved better. But New York can blind you. And by blind you, I mean make you lose all hope in New York men since their language includes “wyd,” “bacon egg and cheese,” “black puffer jacket,” and “links.”

It still brought me down though. The mixed signal from my waiter boyfriend or “sneaky link” seemed to confuse me. 

It eventually wouldn’t matter since I was completely and fully set on going to UC San Diego for college. Despite the gigantic debt it would bring me, it was in California. My dream home location since forever. It was also one of the top 25 universities in the country. Family members and friends would be so impressed to hear me go there. 

Yet, a part of me decided later on, that wouldn’t be a good move. My delusional thoughts of love may have taken a little control of the part of my brain that made me want to stay in New York. Maybe I wanted to explore the potential of what would happen with us. If “us” would ever even be a thing. Maybe even the fear of going across the country for the first time alone hindered me. I don’t know what was holding me back. 

So, I randomly put a deposit down on St. John’s University in Queens and was planning to dorm. Just so I could still be on my own. I honestly thought if Sal Vulcano from the TV show Impractical Jokers graduated from there, then how bad could it be?

However, after a month, I changed my mind. Again. It didn’t feel right. My mom and grandma recommended Mercy College. I applied and put down a deposit on a whim again. But this time it felt right.

“New York, you’re perfect

Don’t please don’t change a thing”

I quit the restaurant after being at Mercy for a few months and eventually stopped talking to waiter boyfriend. Both were bringing me down.

I even lost a few friends I had since kindergarten. Some I thought were forever friends. 

I still haven’t been to California ever. I don’t go to school or dorm in Queens. I go to school in Dobbs Ferry and am now the Managing Editor of Mercy University’s Newspaper. I still live at home, in the same bedroom almost my whole life, in Yonkers.

Everything is almost exactly the same as it always has been living in New York, yet better. However, the problem was never New York. 

It was the people I was surrounded by and the overthinking of societal standards that clouded my mind. 

New York knew this and was ultimately the one who held me back. From going to school in California and Queens, having the wrong people in my life, and trying to impress other people.  

I’ve reached a different point in my life now. A life where I cherish my immediate family and friends I consider family deeply, a school community I proudly get to lead and be a part of, and a partnership with real love. I never want to leave my home in New York. 

New York, I love you because I now know, it was never you who brought me down.