I’ve always seemed to have a good relationship with food. When I was younger, Grandma would cook dinner for the family every single night in which I would always help myself to not one plate, but two. Just because I loved her and her food so much.

 I still do eat her food, but I don’t eat it as often.  

Since that time when I was younger and much chubbier, I have gone through many eras with food. I don’t think I’ve ever gone through any sort of eating disorder but the way I have eaten at times has differed drastically from other times. They’ve changed a lot over time with weight-related comments received from family members and peers throughout the years. 

“You’re getting chunky.”

“She’s too fat.”

“That food is going straight to your thighs.”

“You need to stop eating all those donuts.”

Craziest part too was I didn’t even eat donuts. Yet, after years of having three meals a day, including my two portions of dinner and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream every night, I decided I wanted to lose weight in my junior year of high school.

I met Vinny Guadagnino from the Jersey Shore at his book sign-in for his book The Keto Guido Cookbook. I didn’t even care about the book. I just wanted to meet Vinny. 

Being a Jersey Shore superfan even presently, the experience made my cheeks hurt from smiling. Afterward, I was in such a good mood I decided to actually read the book. I learned all about the keto diet and thought it actually sounded pretty healthy.

No bread. No pasta. No carbs. No fat.

I tried it for about two or three months. I ended up losing around 30 pounds. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so accomplished before like this with something that doesn’t relate to school work. However, I eventually realized how unhealthy keto can be and stopped. So an addiction to weight loss wouldn’t begin. 

A little while later, the quarantine hit from COVID-19 and I, like everyone else, began learning different ideas through TikTok. Astrology videos, tarot card readings, manifestation tutorials. They all took over everyone’s screens.

I started watching dietitians and eating disorder recovery TikToks. This led me to discover healthier ways of eating.

I discovered switching white foods with whole wheat, such as whole wheat bread, whole wheat tortillas, whole wheat pasta, and more. It seems crazy at first as an Italian, but once I overlooked my bias, it all actually tasted delicious. 

And this is how I’ve been eating for some time now. Just normal three meals a day, or normal to me. No second plate of dinner and dessert in moderation.

I still can’t help now missing the weight loss that I had from Keto. I tried weight loss in other ways by counting calories, which is really the way that weight loss works. When one is losing weight, they’re in a calorie deficit. Without all the carbs in Keto, I must have reached my calorie deficit.

However, I love my bread with my sandwiches and my pasta when I go out to eat with my friends at a fancy Italian restaurant like Carmines. I definitely can’t do Keto again. 

I have been trying to count my calories recently. However, it’s been more of a struggle with college. Yet, it’s been much easier to eat less because I am running ragged during the day. Heading over to work in the morning, running up the big Mercy hill to class afterward, and driving home as if I were in Fast & Furious to work two remote internships. Food is sort of the last thing on my mind. 

Still, I’ve kind of liked it in a way because I haven’t been thinking about my next meal the entire day, which is what I usually do when I’m not busy. This past summer I worked remotely during the daytime and couldn’t help but think about the next meal or snack I would prepare. It was as if food had become a hobby. 

This newfound struggle in counting calories and yearning to lose weight again without doing it so unhealthily has made me become more conscience of my eating. I don’t know if I’ve ever been at this point before. 

I feel like I’m at a point of the hunger games. Not as in the movie, but as if hunger is almost a game. One day you win the game, but the next day you lose. As in one day you eat the number of calories you’re supposed to and the next day you go over. One week you lose a pound and the following week you lose nothing. It’s one big confusing game. A game that I think everyone experiences at some point. Some worse than others.   

But I think the real question about the hunger games is not if you will win or lose. How do you want to win? How do you want to accomplish that weight loss or weight goal? The healthy way or the quicker way? May the odds ever be in your favor. 

If I had to answer right now, I would say maybe I’m still wondering.