Coming to terms with the fact that one of the biggest obstacles in my life is something that I can’t necessarily fix has been a journey.

Eight years ago I was diagnosed with Scoliosis, a deformity of the spine, where your spine is curved. I was at 36 degrees.

I remember that day very clearly. My mom was scared about the idea of me possibly living in a full-length back brace for 18 to 20 hours a day for who knows how long or even the chance of having to get a life-changing surgery. I remember being confused as to why she was this nervous, until now seeing how this impacted my life in a major way.

It started with just being sent to radiology for X-rays for three months after my diagnosis. At my last set of imaging, they told me nothing was changing so they did not want to brace me, and that because I was pretty much done growing, it couldn’t get worse and I would be okay.

At that time, I was still at my peak physically. Playing sports, going on walks, being able to live my life however I wanted with nothing to worry about. I was so happy thinking my life wasn’t going to be different.

That changed one day in high school when I was stretching in gym. I was sitting down and I bent forward.

It felt like an electric shock went through my entire body.

I couldn’t move.

I was full of fear looking around to see if there was anyone who could help me because at that moment I felt paralyzed. I tried hard to move but my body would not budge even a centimeter.

My friend ended up seeing me struggling on the floor, and she ran to help lift me up. I very slowly made my way to the nurses, who was the most unhelpful person to go to, and just called my mom and told her I needed her at the school as soon as possible. She brought me Tylenol and waited for me to be able to walk on my own again before going back to work.

My life has been altered in a way I never would have imagined for myself ever since that day.

Every day, my lower back was in the most excruciating pain. I could barely walk on my own, carry a bookbag, or do anything without breaking down sobbing.

My life began to revolve around painkillers to try and give myself any sense of relief, but it got too much, too fast.

I was taking 5 Ibuprofens every day. Nobody would believe how many bottles I would go through in just a week and have to buy consistently.

Ibuprofen eventually stopped working on me so I moved to Tylenol. The same cycle repeated, ended up taking way more than I should and it stopped working because of a tolerance so strong that the 2 painkillers wouldn’t work on their own or when mixed.

I felt hopeless being told there was nothing I could do but live with the pain.

I knew I was taking dangerous amounts of painkillers and that it could really damage my liver, but I craved any sort of relief so badly.

Finally I sought help and started getting treatment from a chiropractor every week, now every two weeks. Physically, I began to feel normal again. The pain died down, I was playing basketball again for fun, I gained my independence back.

Something that came out of this was getting off the painkillers because my pain was being reduced. However, it wasn’t as easy as I thought.

I was shocked that I began to have withdrawal symptoms. I was so irritable with a short temper, I had migraines, unexplainable amounts of nausea, and so many more other symptoms. I knew at that moment. I never wanted to rely on painkillers that way again. It was such a scary experience.

Genuinely, I questioned if I didn’t start treatment, would I have moved onto anything stronger than over-the-counter painkillers if I had access to it?

Fast forward to now, my pain has been spreading around my body, my symptoms change every day, and my mobility is decreasing once again. Turns out, my degree got worse and I am now at 42 degrees. While there are still no real treatment options left for me, I am now getting closer to surgery territory. Although it is a scary thought for my family and me, if and when the time comes whether a year, or two, or three from now, that surgery is recommended, I am ready to take that life-changing step.

Until then, it is just a waiting game. I just make sure to be careful with anything I do and manage my pain as best as I can. It’s easier said than done, but I believe I can fight through it.

For a lot of people, whether they know about Scoliosis or not, they see it as only physical pain. But it is much deeper than that.

Scoliosis has impacted my mental health since 2016, more than anything else in my life has or could in the future. My biggest struggle that has come with this condition is my self-image.

In my case, I have one shoulder that is higher than the other, one leg a tad bit longer, a shoulder blade that sticks out more, and a hip that is more curved out. This may sound like nothing to anyone who doesn’t have it, but for me it is detrimental.

I hate how most clothes look on me because my level of unevenness causes clothes to not fit me properly anymore. I can’t tell someone the last time I shopped in person and had to try something on because I would almost cry in dressing rooms. Summers become extra rough for me because I hide my unevenness in oversized clothing, hoodies are my go-to. But it gets too hot to always hide the way I feel comfortable.

No matter how many tattoos or piercings I get to change my appearance, it never feels like enough for me to feel comfortable in my body. But I guess that self-esteem boost just comes with time. I have gotten so much better over the years learning how to accept myself for the way I am, but of course, it is a process full of ups and downs.

Going through life as someone with a condition that gives you one of your biggest insecurities that you can’t change can get pretty tough.

But, you learn to adapt.

One day in the future I know I will look back and be so proud of myself for making it through this mental, emotional, and physical pain because although it is an uncomfortable situation to be thrown into, I have the capacity to go through it and come out stronger each time.

That is something you don’t hear much of.