Recently saying “I’m tired” has become a hot topic and a misconception in my life. But in reality, being tired does not just mean I lack sleep anymore.

That is something not many people understand.

I have been pretty open in my previous columns about a lot of things going on in my life when it comes to my mental health and even my physical health.

This combines both of those factors.

Being a 21 year old in college, you are supposed to be going out, having the time of your life, making mistakes, and having all sorts of experiences to remember in the future.

Unfortunately for me, this feels almost impossible to do. Why?

Because I am so unbelievably drained.

Both physically and mentally.

For starters, I have been a social media content creation intern for a bit over a year now. 

While, I do have another intern with me and an admin who I can reach out to to help me out with some pieces of content, I try to do a lot of it on my own as I was getting course credit and now work study pay for being in this position in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love creating the content that I do. But tackling over 10 pieces of content every month can be a lot to handle.

Then add a full load of four classes on top of that and a part-time job.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I put 100% into all of my work. I want it done right and I want it done on time. But I will admit, I am a bit hard on myself.

Not only do I want my work perfect, but I want it to be done on time, if not earlier.

So I crank it out. I work and I work until everything that needs to be done is done weeks in advance.  At home, on campus, even at work during my six or eight hour shift. But this ultimately leads me to burn out.

My entire work rhythm comes to a halt and just like that I lose my motivation to do any of my work for my internship or for my classes. All I want to do is sleep and isolate from the world.

But my hectic schedule and crazy workload is only part of the problem.

My pain is.

In fact it is the biggest problem.

There are no words I could think of that could describe how I have been feeling every single day for the last year.

But I will do my best to make it imaginable.

The entire area of my left shoulder blade feels like a million rocks are being rolled into my skin with the most pressure possible right before the rock shatters.

The middle of my lower back feels like a tourniquet is wrapped around me, tightening more and more, never stopping.

My knees and ankles feel like they’re being repeatedly struck harder and harder by a reflex hammer, harsh continuous jabs.

Having a body that feels like a basketball trapped on an electric air pump, swelling under pressure, never knowing when it will finally pop is unbearable.

But some people think I am supposed to just be full of energy and cater to them.

Like I’m sorry but to hear that someone feels like I am exaggerating how tired I am mind boggles me.

A coffee is not gonna fix my problem.

And I sure as hell am not going to act chummy when I feel like shit.

I would never wish how I feel on a daily basis upon anybody because it sucks. It is not fun and it can get seriously depressing. But there is that very slim part of me that sometimes does wish certain people can live one day as me and then try to tell me that I am dramatic.

Because they absolutely cannot.

How can you honestly?

I remember I had a really rough shift that did not agree with my body. I was left feeling quite literally crippled and miserable. So I did what I thought would help. Or at least it should have helped. I reached out to a friend.

But no, I got told all I do is sit at a desk it can’t be insane.

That ticked me off so bad.

I decided to let it out.

Call it playing the victim card, but when someone undermines how your feelings, sometimes you have to hit them with the hard stuff to make yourself heard and seen.

I did exactly that and would do it again if needed.

When I finally finished my lovely little tangent about my medical life and how it does not coincide with working where I am at times, I got what I wanted.

I got my apology, my job wasn’t seen as just sitting around for hours, and my feelings weren’t undermined. They were validated.

Having a chronic condition comes with ups and downs. Some days you feel on top of the world and others you feel like the world is crumbling on top of you. Unfortunately, there is no control over that.

One thing that I have come to terms with though is that not everyone is going to understand what I am dealing with on a daily basis.

So when I say I’m tired, there is always going to be way more to it.

And I will get people to understand that.