Everywhere you look these days, people have their heads down, and are not paying attention because their entire life is invested in a tiny box called a smartphone. I have never had the privilege of owning one of these little phone miracles, and people do not hesitate to remind me that my phone is not smart.

If you do not own a smartphone, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. No matter what smartphone owners tell you. There are a few questions I regularly get because of my lack of technological prowess, and I’d like to share them with you, just in case we run into each other and you get the urge to ask me a question about my cellular device.

You don’t have a smartphone? What do you mean you don’t have a smartphone?

It’s very simple, I don’t have a smartphone. I’m not hiding one, and I didn’t break my Iphone so that’s why I have my current phone. I actually like that I don’t have a smartphone, it allows me to have real conversations with humans in real life without my face in my phone, and the distraction of every website at my fingertips.

So what does your phone do?

                Well, it functions like your phone does. It makes phone calls, and sends text messages, and occasionally takes a crappy version of the photos you take on a regular basis.

Wait, what does it look like?

                It looks like a phone that you probably had before you got your new Iphone, whatever version they are on now. It looks like an old Blackberry, and yes, at one point in my life I did have a Blackberry, and it was the happiest year of my life. Don’t remind me that I no longer have that phone.

Does it have a keyboard?

                Why, yes it does have a keyboard. It is not as cool as your on-screen, touch screen, dirty fingerprint screen keyboard. But it serves the same purpose and does all the same things yours does, except for emojis of course, but those are really creepy and I would be nervous to receive one of those little guys.

Can you text?

                Really? My phone isn’t prehistoric, and text messaging is pretty much the only way people communicate these days. The answer is yes, my phone can send and receive text messages, and they come in quite clear.

Does it have internet?

                This is my favorite question. No my phone does not have internet, and no I am not upset about it. It’s always so funny to watch people walk around with their faces buried in their phones. Or see people spending time together, and not speaking because they are all on their phones. I am not upset about my phone not having internet, not at all. And as a side note, my phone is a lot cheaper than your phone because I’m not paying extra for the ability to be on the internet.

Do you still have Snake on your phone?

                I don’t even think that game still exists, and if it did, I would play it because it was fun. I’ve only gotten this question once, and it took me by surprise because I think the person who asked me thought my phone was from 1999.

Is it a money thing? You want one right?

                I suppose it could be considered a money thing, I don’t want to waste my money on a phone with internet when I have the internet on my tablet, and can hold a conversation with a person without having to check my phone every few minutes. I do eventually want a smartphone, but more than likely, not this week.

Don’t you ever have moments when you’re mad you don’t have an Iphone? How do you look things up?

No, don’t you ever feel like you’re scared you’re going to break that super fragile phone that is barely covered by a small, “clever” cover, that doesn’t even protect your screen? I think I’ll take my chances with the phone I’ve dropped over 500 times and haven’t cracked, or scratched it. It even survived a trip down the toilet, and sink. I look things up like every other person, on my computer, or I have one of my many friends with smartphones look it up for me. Because “will you Google that”, is my favorite question to ask.

How do you know where to go? Do you still print out directions?

                There are still such things as GPS in a car, that’s still a thing. Me getting lost isn’t really a worry for me, I usually can find my way. And you know what? I occasionally do print out directions, just in case. And it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s helpful when the GPS isn’t exactly accurate, or you’re confused by that creepy voice telling you where to go.

How do you know if a restaurant will be good?

                I just go there and hope for the best. I know it’s a wild thought, but at some point before smartphones, most people just went wherever they felt like eating and hoped it got a good rating. I’ve checked sites for restaurant ratings, but I checked it on the computer, before I left the house.

Is it weird not having the latest technology?

                No.

What do you do in those little moments when you’re waiting for something, or someone?

                I people watch, or I look around at things that are going on. There’s a world outside of your tiny portable internet service, I dare you to look.

What do you do when you get bored?

                Go outside, exercise, watch television, dance, drink, laugh, build stuff, break stuff, clean my room, eat, hang out with friends that have smartphones. The usual things most everyone does when they get bored.

I am proud that I have a non-smartphone. It is nice not having to worry about breaking a phone when I’m drunk. And it’s nice not having to worry about it getting stolen. While you enjoy your smartphones, I will happily sit here accepting your text messages, which I still get because my phone is still a phone capable of doing these things. So please refrain from asking people without smartphones why they don’t have them. They kind of hate it when you do that.