I’ve been blessed with parents that understand that the world changes and the way they we’re raised is not necessarily the best parenting approach in this day and age.  They’re both pretty open and would go the extra mile to expose me to situations other parents would never dare to let their children know. Yet, regardless of how open my parents are, when they gave me the sex talk, it was,  “Choose your partner wisely and if you need anything, let us know. Just don’t get pregnant.”

I’ve always wondered why this was such a taboo topic; it’s pretty obvious that hiding sex from kids won’t stop them from engaging in sexual activities later on. It just means they are uninformed when they do, and might put themselves in dangerous situations. 

I was clueless about sex for so long, even when I became sexually active.

Mostly everyone that I know turned to porn, music, movies, TV shows and other friend’s experiences to learn and understand sex.

Doesn’t it make sense why it is hard for heterosexual couples to sometimes struggle with pleasuring their partners? Not only are uneducated but trial and error only really works with your own body.

How do you fix the problem? I don’t really know. On one hand, people are free to and have the right to educate and raise their kids as they please, but I wish we could understand that the world is constantly evolving. One day when I have my own kids, I will probably have a different parenting approach, since they will be growing up in a world a little different than the one I grew up in.

On the other hand, schools fail short, too. Often due to religion, schools fail to educate and guide kids, preaching that abstinence is the only way to go and sex is reserved for reproduction. But, what about the kids who decide to become sexually active before marriage? Are they supposed to just figure things out and hope for the best?

Being informed is not only essential for being safe, but also to learn how our bodies work and what feels good, which is the reason why people have sex, for the most part.

So, here are a few things I wish I learned when I had my sex talk…

Not everyone waits until marriage to have sex, and that’s OK. Shocking, I know. Most people I know are sexually active and often chose to have sex simply because it feels good. I grew up in a religious country and I remember feeling guilty when I became active and scared of what others may think of me. Truth is, there is no shame on deciding what to do (or not do), with your own body.

Sex is not a mandatory requirement in a relationship. Sex often becomes an important part of a relationship naturally, but it shouldn’t be expected. I know so many people who regret having sex with ex-partners because they felt like it was their duty to, not because they wanted to. I wish that when I was younger, someone would’ve explained better that I don’t owe anyone anything. Sex is a two way street (or three or four, depends what you’re into); consent is extremely important.

Every body is different. What feels good to some doesn’t work for others. This is where turning to porn goes terribly wrong. I can’t blame the porn industry, though. Their job is to produce something that looks good, and good sex is not always pretty. I wish I was more educated when I became sexually active because maybe I would’ve known what I was doing, or at least have an idea. For some many people sex is such a scary and foreign concept mainly because no one actually explained it to them.

Virginity is a weird concept. Often girls are raised to believe that they lose something when they have sex and that they should save their virginity for their prince charming. Well, sorry to bring you back to reality, but more often than not, it won’t go down exactly as planned. Life happens, relationships don’t work and it can be traumatizing to feel like you’ve lost something that you can’t get back in the “wrong way.”  It is also weird that this concept is more enforced on girls than boys, shouldn’t it be equally important?

I wish I could tell my younger self that virginity is only as important as you chose to make it. For some, it can be something you reserve for your life partner; for others something that you let go of when you felt you were ready.

There are other contraception methods other than condoms. In this day and age, there are so many types of birth control for different types of bodies and lifestyles. It can be overwhelming for some people to pick one method when we are all often so misinformed. Not to mention, preventing pregnancy is not the only reason to use birth control, it can help with many other symptoms related to periods and hormones. I suffered from horrible cramps for years until I did some research and realized brith control could fix that problem from me. That’s something I wish I knew sooner.

Whether sex is something casual for you, or something you want to save for marriage (or whatever might fall in between), being informed never hurts.

Hopefully when this generation has kids and we get to the point where we have to have the sex talk with our kids, we understand that it’s a personal choice. And times will changed, so, being prepared for whatever situation is, is healthy and necessary.

I sometimes yearn to go back to my younger self and have that in-depth sex talk, the one I wish I had, because treating sex as a taboo subject in a society where sex sells and it is constantly displayed, makes no sense.