As the first game of my lacrosse season begins today, so does the stress of having zero time.

It’s only Monday and I’m already having anxiety and feeling rushed. I have three games alone this week, and not to mention classes and presentations that I have to do, and papers that I have to write.

On top of all of that I’m exhausted from being sick. One of the joys of a weak immune system.

I’m not saying that my procrastination problem has nothing to do with it, because it does. It normally has a lot to do with it, but just not today.

The one thing stressing me out more than anything though is ironically lacrosse, because it is the one thing that usually takes my mind off of being stressed. It gives me a chance to get away from being a student for a while and do something that’s not a complete struggle for me.

This is not how I pictured the beginning of my senior season of lacrosse to go.

After starting for the past three years at a position I’ve always been good at, my fort game is today and I don’t even know what position I play anymore.

I may not have had the best season last year but I was hoping to redeem myself this year. I was working harder than I ever had before to prepare. I was going to go out with my best effort so I don’t regret not trying as hard as I could have.

Upon coming back and missing the first two weeks of preseason I didn’t expect to have my spot handed back to me, and I knew I would have to work for it.

Which I did. I worked extremely hard. Everyone noticed and told me.

However, I’m not playing my position anymore.

I will work hard whenever I am on the field. But the only problem is breathing, a big priority in playing and when I’m running around too much, especially in this cold weather, my asthma limits me. That’s why defense was always a great spot for me.

I’m not bad at offense either, but shooting is not my strong point.

Hitting people is something I enjoy.

When we needed new people on the draw I was picked because I’m good at boxing people out. So they made up a new spot for me. A way to get me in and playing defense just not at the spot I used to play.

Almost like a defensive midfielder. I wouldn’t be going onto offense I would come out of the game to put an offensive midfielder in.

I was adjusting to the new position I wasn’t really fond of but I was trying, and struggling.

When my coach pulled me aside yesterday and asked if I could run midfield I actually was dumbfounded. I simply said, “no,” not because I don’t want to play it, but because I physically cannot. Not unless they had an oxygen tank strapped onto me on the field.

This was obviously not the answer she wanted to hear.

One day before our first game and she decides to try to change my position. Keep in mind I know zero offensive plays.

The next sentence that came out of her mouth blew my mind. I proceeded to be told that I’m one of the strongest players and she feels like she’s under utilizing me.

What’s the point of working hard and being recognized as a strong player if there’s not even a real place for you on the field?

It’s one of those things as an athlete you’ve always grown up to think the better players the ones that work harder are on the field playing.

Sometimes it’s just not true. Not meant to be.

For now I’ll stay annoyed. Keep working hard. Try to figure out something.

The biggest struggle for me right now is to keep showing up every day. What’s the point of hard work with no reward? There may be a reward further down the road. Just right now I’m not seeing it yet.

The traffic light is yellow and I’m just contemplating what to do.