I’ve always been considered a “big girl”. I’ve gotten called fat by people before and have walked down the halls wondering at points if thats how everyone else sees me.

Currently I might have fallen off of the wagon a bit. From going from being a dual athlete in college for the NCAA it is the first time I have time to myself to do what I want to do and not have any expectations for a deadline I’m supposed to be meeting. So forgive me if I use the time to relax and do anything but go to a gym or outside for a run.

I mean when running is punishment it eventually becomes something you don’t take joy in any longer. And when a place like a gym becomes a second home to you for the majority of your life when you finally get a chance to part ways with it you will for a bit. And eventually realize you miss it and make it a home once again.

The transition so far is not easy. I’m struggling with putting weight on. I’m struggling with eating. I’m struggling mentally, due to the fact that a huge part of my life as recently ended.

I can’t help but feel that feeling again of people looking at me and seeing a “fat girl”. It’s not so much that I see myself as that. It’s more of the fact that now that this huge part of my life is over, I no longer have something where being bigger is a tool to help me accomplish my goals. It gave me something to be confident about.

Being the “bigger girl” on a lacrosse and field hockey field came with so many positive benefits. People were scared of me and when people bumped into me, it was not me hitting the ground.

Now walking places I find myself looking at my own reflection a bit more. Not exactly liking what I see. So I realize I need to make a change. It’s not that I’m not confident in how I look. I still love being bigger than people. It’s because I feel unhealthy. I do not feel good because I’m not eating how I used to.

Not feeling good on top of losing something you used to be confident in is a journey that I’m currently still going through. I realize now through writing this that it’s time to make a change in my life.

Pictures can be altered and social media will always have a standard that someone, myself included, disagree with. That’s just part of life. The confidence has to come from within.

People as a whole need to begin to help one another. Don’t be so quick to judge another girl because she’s too skinny or too fat. There is beauty within everyone, because beauty is just a part of nature. I mean look around you. Your surrounded with beautiful things everyday.

Michelle Phan said “confidence is like a mental muscle, like muscle everyone is born with it, but not everyone flexes it. And if you want your muscles to grow stronger, you got to exercise.” So fake it till you make it. Practice makes perfect.

I may no longer be an athlete, but I am now a former athlete. I am a writer. I am a daughter. I am a niece. I am someone who has accomplished more than many even think of. I am someone who took on two different sports in order to get through college. I am someone who can put a smile on faces of people around me. And I have done all of these things in the body that I walk around with everyday. I am beautiful.

Confidence is a mindset. Confidence is a choice. So choose yourself. Choose to be beautiful.

And as Demi Lovato sings “Whats wrong with being confident?!”