Dear S.D.,

I use the term “father” seldom. The term “sperm donor” is more accurate because in my eyes, that’s all you’ll ever be.

For years, I blamed myself for you walking out, and I still to this day don’t understand what went wrong. You were there at first. Well, you were at least there for my siblings. Then the situation started going south.
I will never understand how you can even sit there and call yourself a father. Honestly, if there was a list of top ten worst dads, you would be number one on mine.

Then, you had the audacity to make things right six years ago. Yes, six years ago. I barely remember it too. That’s how short our little reunion was. Because not even a month after you forgot you had kids, it happened again. And this “reunion” was through cell phone interaction. I get we’re in the 21st century, and you live in another state, but you could’ve at least tried to come down here or even pay for your kids to come to you. You made me give my hopes up. Since then, I don’t trust anyone.

The first and only face-to-face interaction I ever had with you was twenty years ago. When I was six months old. Six (expletive) months old. An interaction I don’t remember at all, the only reason I know about it is that my mother would like her kids to know at least one good thing about their dad.

I always wondered how I can miss someone I don’t even know, but I missed you. Every day. I just wanted my father. To protect me from the monsters I swore were under my bed as a kid, to carry me to my room when I fell asleep on the couch, or to watch me grow up, from taking my first steps to receiving my diploma, and just being proud of me. My siblings have already cut you out their lives a long time ago but until recently, I still had hope that you’ll come around.

But honestly I think it’s too late for building any bonds, now I just want closure.

You can’t blame this on my mother either. She never forced you to leave your kids, in fact, she begged you to be a part of our lives. You didn’t have to be with her to have a relationship with us. That’s where you messed up at; not once, but twice. You see it as if you can’t be with her then you want nothing to do with us. That isn’t fair, we didn’t ask to be brought into this world.
But I want you to know that I don’t hate you. I’m just disappointed. Really disappointed, all I ever wanted was to get to know you and enjoy having a relationship with me or with any of your kids didn’t mean a thing to you. But thank you. Although I’m still hurt, I will always wish you all the best in the world and I hope you’re finally at peace with yourself. I hope you could redeem and forgive yourself and let loose of all those demons you battled for years.
You left us alone and built your own life without us. Now I just have one question. Was it all worth it? So yeah, this here is my way of finally letting go of my demons and finally saying goodbye to you.

Although you’ll probably never read this, I hope that one day, when you read one of my stories or maybe see me on TV, that you’re proud of me.

Love always,
Your youngest,
Amber