I Open At The Close


I’m writing this at two in the morning as a new day is beginning, but my mind is flooded with things that have, or are coming to an end.

Something that has always been hard for me is thinking about the future. But I’m at that point in my life where that’s all I should be focusing on.

What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Who do I see in my life?

The truth is, I tend to shut myself out when it comes to talk like that. And maybe that’s why I feel so unprepared or terrified about what is in store for me.

But I think what it comes down to isn’t fear of the unknown or failure or anything like that. It’s more the fear of things being over, especially when I don’t want them to be.

The future means an end to my past and present. It means saying goodbye to the familiar and beginning something new.

My problem is that I hold onto the temporary and try to make it permanent, or I focus too much on things that have ended, attempting to figure out where it went wrong or how I can change what has already been done.

Lewis Carroll wrote, “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it” and I feel as though that is something I’ve been able to relate to for all of my life with the only difference being I’m giving everyone else good advice, but never know how to follow it for myself.

Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m a fraud. For the longest time, my plan has been to make a living guiding people in the right direction and helping them deal with difficult situations that make everyday a fight.

But who am I to tell people how to get it together when I can’t even seem to help myself?

How is it possible that I can give out perfect, helpful advice but can’t ever apply it to my own life?

I can give someone a million reasons why they need to let something go, but when it’s my turn for release I find a million reasons to hold on for dear life.

I can tell a person all the wonderful gifts the future has to offer them, but dig my heels in the sand when it’s time for me to move on.

But why?

Why is it that every time I lay down at night all I can think about are all the things I’m terrified to let go of or how to get back the things I’ve already lost?

For the last 10 years or so I have been trained to look deep into my mind and soul and understand why I think, feel, and behave the way I do.

And for the most part, I’ve been pretty good at it. But this has always been something that I could never get. And I guess I’m hoping that by the time I get to the end of this, I’ll maybe have some things figured out.

One concept I’ve always been able to grasp is that nothing lasts forever. Good and bad.

Life doesn’t last forever, and I’ve seen that happen up close and personal when losing the people I love.

Darkness doesn’t last forever, which I’ve come to find after battling depression for several years.

People who were in your life at one point aren’t going to be there to the end, which I’ve experienced far too many times with relationships of all kinds.

And many of those endings I have not only learned to accept, but have found some sort of inner peace with.

Yet, here I am at 22 years old in the last full week of my senior year of college and there are so many things I cannot let go of.

So many people I should free myself of but feel too much comfort in their captivity.

So much familiarity that keeps me content but no longer has any benefit to offer me.

And again I ask why.

At this point, the only thing I have figured out is that I am a coward. I let fear hold me back and keep me in situations where I deserve better, but I’m too scared to let what I know be over.

Maybe it has less to do with being scared, and more to do with control.

If something doesn’t happen the way I want or need it to, I let it linger long enough to change things so they happen on my terms.

If that change takes days, weeks, months, maybe even years – I will hold on until things go my way, if they ever do.

Expectations also have a lot to do with it. If I like you as a person, I see the absolute best in you. Regardless of what you may put me through.

Because I paint these images in my mind of what they’re supposed to do, and I believe it’s possible that if I wait things out a little longer that they will follow through.

And the next thing I know, “a little longer” becomes and endless amount of wasted time and disappointment.

I suppose the fault is my own. Just because I expect things doesn’t mean they’re destined to play out that way.

But don’t we deserve that? Shouldn’t we have people and experiences in our lives that live up to our great expectations?

Reality can be quite cruel. Of course we deserve those things, but this is life and it doesn’t always work out the way we planned or imagined it would.

That is another concept that I’ve been able to understand, but still have difficulty applying to myself.

Like somehow the universe is supposed to understand that I need things to work out the way I imagined them to for once in my life.

After everything I’ve been through, all I want is certainty.

I need to know that if something ends, everything is going to be okay and that I will be able to move on. That I don’t have to linger on the regrets or the what-if scenarios.

With all I’ve experienced, I should know by now that I am fully capable of finding a new direction when a door closes.

Still, I’m scared.

But I’m not just scared anymore. I’m tired. In every way a person can be.

My fingers are sore and bloody from holding so tightly onto things that are fighting and slipping out of my grip.

It is time to let go.

So here is what I’ve figured out so far:

I find comfort in the familiar.

I am scared of what I cannot control.

What I cannot control, I try to gain power over.

I think that I am deserving of an easier life.

I am a human being with flaws, expectations, insecurities, and good intentions.

All things come to an end.

It is time to let them.

Breathe in, breathe out, move forward.