10 Types of Douchebags You’ll Probably Run Into


By definition,

The term “douchebag” generally refers to a male with a certain combination of obnoxious characteristics related to attitude, social ineptitude, public behavior, or outward presentation.

I firmly believe that for every nice guy on Earth, there are 50 jerks to balance out the ratio. That means that there are millions of douchebags roaming the planet, shooting finger guns in their tight Ed Hardy/Affliction t-shirts. You know you’ve seen them, and you’ve definitely met them – eagerly sitting in the front of the classroom, or sliding next to you at the bar. Douchebags aren’t bad people – they just need love, affection and helpful suggestions. But first, you have to know what you’re dealing with. Here are the 10 types of douchebags you’ll probably run into:

1. The Juicehead Gorilla – Now, ever since Jersey Shore premiered on MTV, douchebags have become more easy to spot, and gave an inside look at what douchebags really do to bring in the girl. I would like to thank MTV for giving me the warning label of who to run away from when at the bar. At this very moment, the juicehead gorilla is probably at the gym in a strategically ripped muscle tee. He’s probably sweating out the copious amount of gel in his hair. He’s intently staring at himself in the floor length mirrors while lifting hubcap-size weights. And after his session, he’ll probably throw on his high school football hoodie, put his baseball cap on (backwards) and spray himself with Axe, blasting LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” on his iPod while driving away in his convertible (honestly, guys in convertibles, I don’t get it).

2. The Boaster – Accomplishments at work and in school are awesome. We all want each other to do well, especially to graduate on time. But the guy who brags about everything he does before you can get the c in “congratulations” out is the worse. Like, why do you have to pat yourself on the back? Jerk.

3. The Musician – No but seriously, I don’t need you to harmonize your dinner order or compose a (lame) freestyle for me. Don’t get me wrong – I think musicians are sexy. But the ones that constantly remind you of their musical ability, or the ones that publicize their mixtapes at every chance they get (Church, Thanksgiving, during class presentations, on Twitter) should just stop the music all together. There is no reason to be talking to a friend who is a football player and incorporate how you couldn’t play football because it cut into your music writing.

4. The Fronter – Oh, so you have a share in the Hamptons and you ran into P. Diddy at Denny’s? You already have a post grad gig lined up with more offers on the way? Come on, son. You need more people. If he has all this clout and nothing to show for it, he’s fronting with a capital F. Nothing is that easy.

5. The Show-Off -Someone once told me that there’s strength in numbers. Not for douchelords! There’s always that guy who changes like a chameleon once his buddies arrive. One minute he’s soft and sensitive telling me he thinks I am soooo cute. But then when his pals touch down, he’s talking loud, handing out handshakes and flat out ignoring you, or even making fun of you. You came together, you spend time together. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

6. The God’s Gift to Women – I don’t understand the super powers that men believe they have when it comes to picking up women. The men who believe that they invented sex deserve the ULTIMATE “talk to the hand”. Have you really been “putting it down” since middle school? And can you really make a girl do this and that? I’ve overheard way too many guys talk about their game – usually to their other guy friends. And if you know you’re good, there’s no need to brag.

7. The User – No one likes being used and abused. The User will only call or text you when he needs something whether it’s a ride, money, or sex. But what about the times when he didn’t need help on your English essay? Or when I needed a lift to the supermarket? Consistency is key – so lock the User out for good, girl.

8. The Super Stoner – Dude. I can’t take you seriously with your eyes low, smelling like an entire Woodstock ’69 summer. I’ve grown accustomed to the typical characteristics of sky high guys – red eyes and rumpled clothing, way too mellow to properly converse and eating everything in sight. Just say no!

9. The Greast Debater – EVERYTHING IS AN ARGUMENT! End of story.

10. The Player – Having a girl is like having a diner menu. There’s a girl for the morning (breakfast), a girl for the afternoon (lunch), and a handful of girls at night (dinner and dessert). Who said girls were around for a committment. They’re just objects put on this Earth to look pretty and be there for a quick fix.