11:45 a.m. Thanksgiving 2012.

I already had eaten a caramel bar, a pumpkin spice doughnut, a glazed doughnut, a piece of left over turkey from a holiday feast my right hand man Pauly went to last night, and a bowl of cereal. And no bran crap either, this was the good stuff. Sugar filled, tooth rotting artificially flavored real imitation nutritionally enhanced good for you stock.

The cereal must be good for me because the box says in a brightly colored text box with bold letters that its “enhanced with vitamin D and calcium.”

That surely makes things all good…guess I can skip one of my gym days this week…or maybe two.

I ended my pre-feast festivities by washing everything down with a glass of caramel flavored eggnog. Which by the way, is as disgusting as it sounds. How could two of my favorite sweets be so awful together?

12:30 p.m.

Seeing as how I am out of a few key ingredients for a dish that I will be poisoning…err…preparing for the afternoon glutton, a trip to the local store was in order. Since there is a Super-Walmart in the vicinity, I figured that this would be a viable shopping option.

The store is operating with minimum staff because as one of the sales associates put it “we’re having the troops come in later this evening in preparation for operation black Friday.”

Makes sense to me.

The associates that were on hand scurried around hauling bundled up items for what must surely be part of some type of door buster sale.

The atmosphere felt thick and subdued. Everyone’s face reeked of dreaming about being anywhere else but there while trudging through whatever task they were on.

On this Thanksgiving, I truly felt thankful that I was not in their shoes.

While in the store, it was surprising to see that even the auto service center was staffed and much to their dismay, carrying on with duties as usual, though there was nary a car in sight.

Hell, if the rest of the store is open, why not have your oil changed or tires rotated and balanced. Who cares if it was Thanksgiving right?

Screw the turkey and all the kisses from Aunt Bunny or cousin Willard’s notoriously bad breath…lets get a lube job!

Of course the people in the service department weren’t so enthusiastic about being open. I asked the young lady behind the counter if she thought it was odd that the auto service section was there to perform services like any other day of the week; she rolled her eyes, sighed and shook her head.

“I don’t get it” she said with a tinge of disgusted low key anger.

But the real zinger came from the section supervisor, who’s hair was straight from a mid 70’s porn. We were there trying to sort out an “issue” from some work that was done last week to Pauly’s car (why not, they are open for business right?).

The situation eventually required the intervention of higher management in order to be resolved. Ultimately a decision was made to take care of the problem that included Walmart financially stepping up to compensate…somewhat…for what had happened.

Kudos Walmart for your effort.

Through the frustration of being the man in between the “discussions” that Pauly and Walmart were having, the “porn star” section supervisor was clearly frazzled. He confirmed this as he walked away leaving us with parting words.

“Thanksgiving doesn’t stop people from coming in, they just pour in.”

Translation: why the f*** are you here today morons? Go home to your family because I can’t.

1:40 p.m.

After all the impromptu fun with Dirk, the happy go lucky auto service department supervisor, we left Wally World and preceded home to get ready for the rest of the day. I will shower, put on something decent and head off to stuff my guts with every manner of turkey day edibles, till food leaks out like gasoline from an over filled tank.

5:00 p.m.

“I should not have had that last piece of sweet potato pie.”

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I should have stopped after the first plate of food. But nooooooo, faced with such a smorgasbord of tasty tidbits, I could not resist.

I was already half full on appetizers of shrimp, Vlasic Sweet Gherkins, potato chips and this onion dip that was especially tantalizing before dinner even started. So when dinner did offically commence, I was already in trouble.

For that next hour or so things are a blur. I ate… had conversation, ate… laughed…ate …and then ate. My belly threatened to split wide open, its contents bursting out and spraying everything in a 10 foot radius with a lumpy gelatinous coat of turkey plus all the trimmings.

No one person should eat so much food. It makes no sense. I left the table and tried to lay out on the couch in as much of an inconspicuous way possible. My eyes begun to get heavy. I drifted in and out of conversations sparking to life with half hearted laughter when I heard others do so to make it seem as if was still a part of the festivities.

In truth, I just wanted to go home and sleep.

7:15 pm

I hobbled and stumbled to the car arriving home soon thereafter. It was true glutton. My belly stretched to its limit and then some. If I opened my mouth and you looked down my throat, you could see remnants of dinner backed up like cars with taillights of cranberry in a traffic jam waiting to get into my stomach.

To top it all off, I was thirsty! How is this possible? The thought of even consuming a bread crumb made me wince in pain let alone trying to drink enough of anything to satisfy my dry mouth.

I struggled with what I should do…maybe just a sip…that should be fine. I grabbed a cup, headed to the filtered water in the fridge and filled it. My hand jiggled and beads of sweat begun to roll down my forehead as I raised the glass to my lips. My belly cramped in protest.

“If you consume one more thing, there will be consequences.” I could have sworn I heard it say.

Who needs water anyway? With that, I sat the glass down and went to my room where I carefully laid on my back and drifted off to sleep.

 Ahhh another turkey day, just how I always remembered it.

L!