Trust Is Hard To Earn, But So Easy To Lose


My trust issues go beyond my relationship with my father. It started with him, but it certainly doesn’t end with him. 

I have a fear of abandonment, you can’t blame me, literally everyone that I grow close with leaves. 

It’s like a pattern in my life, I get close to someone and after a few years or months, they walk away and I’m stuck to pick up the pieces they left behind.

My mom had a boyfriend, she was never good with relationships but this man was different. She knew he was different when she told him she had four kids and instead of running off like the others, he stuck around. 

I was 5 when I met him, it’s funny because my mom wasn’t ready to introduce us to him yet but the morning he was supposed to sneak out, I woke up from my sleep with a runny nose and messy hair, and I saw him standing in my hallway. 

Since we met unexpectedly, my mother decided to let him stay and meet my siblings, we immediately loved him. 

They were together for years, and even though he wasn’t my biological dad, he was definitely my father. Everything I wanted to experience with my dad, I got to experience with him. He taught me how to ride a two wheel bike, tucked me in bed, picked me up from school, helped me with my homework, and since my mother wasn’t very good at doing hair, he even did that. 

He did all of those things and he wasn’t our biological father, he had no kids of his own yet he took care of us like we were his, he even got my name tattooed on his wrist. 

Sadly he and my mother had a bad break up and things became complicated. He wanted kids of his own and my mother couldn’t give him that, he now has two daughters. Every time I think they’re going to work it out and get back together, he disappears out of nowhere. It’s been like that for years now. 

My mother said she’s given up on it, I don’t blame her. I’m not mad about it, he’s a good man and I want him to be happy. I just wish our reunion would have lasted a bit longer, or that he would just stick around for once. 

Next on my list is my adopted sister. Yes, I have an adopted sister, shocker right? I don’t speak about her or mention her because it’ll just upset me. Her and my sister, Victoria were in middle school together, she had a rough life so my sister offered her a place to stay. My mom wasn’t happy about it at first but she said yes, and that was the start of our short lived journey. 

Her and my mother both lost their mothers on the same day so my mother grew a soft spot for her. She decided that if she was going to stay with us that she might as well become her legal guardian. She went to court and fought to have custody of her. 

At first things were going well, but then we moved to Florida and her and Victoria couldn’t get along. 

They argued everyday and Mom took Victoria’s side, she was already an adult by then so Mom said she can leave if she wanted to. That’s exactly what she did, but leaving wasn’t enough for her, she had to turn our family against us while she was at it. 

All of my cousins took her side, they’re part of the reason why we moved back to New York, which I’m extremely thankful for by the way.

I’m not mad that she left, it was for the best. I’m mad that because she left, my family decided to leave too. Now she’s living her life in Florida with my cousins, calling them her cousins, as I watch them have a relationship they no longer want with me, and my mother never even got a “thank you” for taking her in and changing her life.

It becomes very hard to trust people when all your life you’ve watched your father, your step-father, your adopted sister, your aunts, and your cousins give up on you without explanation. 

I like to tell myself that God removed them from my life for a reason. Each year is a new chapter and sadly everyone you live can’t be a part of it. 

I’m now experiencing a new chapter in life without them. They played their part, but it’s not about them anymore. That chapter in my life is over.