He wants to be a doctor. He makes a decent amount of money. He drives an Audi and a motorcycle. Sounds like the perfect man right?

Nope.

After two weeks of dating, you come to find that he enjoys picking you fresh flowers, and quoting the Lion King.

Houston, we have a problem.

It’s interesting how prior to dating someone, you have this certain impression of them. You think that they could possibly be the perfect person to date. They are nice and caring, not too clingy, but enjoy spending time with you. After a week, when you want to pull your hair out, you realize they really are not what you expected and honestly don’t have feelings for them.

It’s not something you can help; it is something that just happens.

And there’s where I was a few weeks ago. And I’m sure some of you have been there before.

You begin to think what a tremendous mistake you made, and start to devise plans of a cleverly built break-up. The guy is entirely too nice, so you can’t be mean about the break up, but you want to get your point across. You also begin to ask your friends for helpful hints on how to dissolve this relationship without breaking the poor sap’s heart.

So you create story. That’s supposed to be the easy way out, right?

To make matters worse, this guy I mentioned is still calling me after two weeks. In fact, he called me last night to see how I was feeling, and if I was getting any better. Let me elaborate.

For all intensive purposes, we will call this fellow, “Newsweek.” I stumbled upon this nickname in class a few weeks ago when discussing my pending break-up. A classmate made a comment on how thin and scrawny my boyfriend was, and that he was thinner than a copy of the magazine Newsweek, which has been in an apparent advertising slump.

That was it. It was too hilarious to pass up.

After week one of our relationship, I realized that Newsweek had been quoting the movie, The Lion King, on a regular basis. And I’m not talking about popular quotes that anyone could recognize. These were random quotes that I had no idea were even in the movie. Considering I haven’t seen it since I was probably 10, I obviously did not recognize these quotes, and quietly giggled to myself on how ridiculous this 25 year-old sounded.

I later shared to a friend that he quoted Disney movies and it was quite disturbing. Note to all men: Please do not quote any Disney movie from the 90s. Or any decade for that matter. You will look like a fool.

I should have known something was wrong on our first official date when he handpicked a daffodil for me. Then did it again on our second. And third. He brought daffodils on the two dates, where we went to a bar.

In theory, it sounds very Shakespearian. Very gallant. Very chivalrous.

In reality, I hated it.

We continued dating for a month and a half, all the while, I had no feelings for him. I figured he would do something that would make me like him more. But thus, my feelings didn’t change. Instead, he picked me some more flowers.

I felt bad, yes. I really didn’t have feelings for Newsweek. We didn’t talk often, maybe twice a week. He works at a hospital, so his work schedule is hectic. I should have told him that he wasn’t my type, but I didn’t have the guts to break it to him. I felt like I had to coddle him, and that he was a little kid at times. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

I admit I dogged him a few times so I didn’t have to go out with him. Ignored his texts a few times. Harmless things, but things I wouldn’t normally do if I actually liked the guy.

I thought in the beginning that it was going to be all right, our relationship. Considering my ex-boyfriend was a little crazy, to say the least, this was a nice change of pace. His nice car was also a benefit, and him getting into medical school was impressive and had promise. But, money and cars never trump happiness.

So when I decided that I couldn’t lead him on anymore, I came up with a master plan. I engaged in my friends for help that would seem like a legitimate reason not to date.

My first attempt was an epic fail. We met at a local riverfront, talked, and after two hours, were officially “on a break.” What does that really mean anyway?

He wouldn’t let me break up with him because I said that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Which was somewhat true. I felt too bad looking at him, telling him that I now despise the Lion King, and that he killed the phrase ‘Hakuna Matata.’

We didn’t talk for a week until he caved and called me. We spoke again about our relationship, and what we were going to do. He still refused to let me go, so we were still on a break. I tried really hard to break up with him, I really did. I just wasn’t saying the right words because I wasn’t telling him the entire truth.

I wanted to scream, “I just don’t like you!” because he clearly wasn’t getting the signals.

Nonetheless, here is when my plan came into action. Instead of seeing him in person like I usually did when trying to break up, I called him on the phone. Texting would have been disrespectful, although, studies have shown that 60 percent of break-up’s are via text. Technology is killing society.

So, at 1 a.m. on a Friday night, I called him. I told him that I spoke to the school psychologist at Mercy. (Do we even have one of those?) My problems were getting the best of me, I told.

This “psychologist” told me that after my past relationship, I was not ready for such a serious relationship, and that I needed to work on myself before I worked on a new relationship. She also told me that I needed a break from life for a little bit.

Sounds pretty legitimate, right? I thought so.

Newsweek, aiming to be a doctor, analyzed everything I told him and agreed with the “psychologist.” He claimed that she was pretty intelligent, and that if I really needed to work on myself, that he could deal with it. It was over. Finally.

Then, after we hung up the phone at 3 a.m., he called me back for a short 10-minute conversation on how he really wanted to date me, and to forget about the “psychologist.” After that conversation where I remained silent the entire time praying he would get the hint, he preceded to text me until 4:45 on his thoughts on our relationship.

I thought I was out of the doghouse. Thus, I was not until the next day when he called me back, yet again, and said it was ok it was over. He wanted me to call him often to see how I was doing with the “psychologist” and to see if I was doing any “better.”

This boy was driving me so crazy maybe I did need to see somebody.

Two days later, he sent me a long Facebook message.

He complimented me on my “bizarre giddiness,” and “the innocence and goodness that was once me.” I laughed. Yes, I may be a terrible person for concocting this break-up story, and I may get struck with lightning as Karma for getting me back, but I can’t believe the lengths I had to go through to break up with someone.

What happened to people just ignoring their boyfriend/girlfriend or just the “I’m breaking up with you” text message?

A friend of mine actually moved to Connecticut to get away from a boyfriend once. Another friend left his girlfriend at a restaurant with a text telling her it was over.

I had to feign insanity.

People do crazy things to get out of relationships. I am now a statistic. There is even a website, www.youbrokeuphow.com, which showcases a bunch of stories on break-ups. Guess, I’m not the only crazy one out there.

Well, at least I know I’m not crazy. Newsweek, on the other hand, still believes I’m unstable and has the need to check up on my mental stability. I’m not sure how long I can keep this up. But I’m sure he is not going to let me go crazy without a fight.

Maybe I need to make an appointment with someone. Or at least find out if we have a school physcologist.

– Ashley Neff