Maybe this column won’t be the ideal happy future bride story but it surely will be the truth. 

I mentioned in one of my previous columns, “Hey COVID-19, I Just Want to Get Married,” that I am engaged and how COVID-19 was affecting all my plans and decisions during my wedding planning. 

But now, everything seems to be falling into place: I found my $200 perfect dress, which I will explain in the future, the venue is just awesome and it seems that we will get a good amount of our guests coming. 

And with all that happening, I can’t help but think: Am I really ready to get married?

I guess I was super distracted with corona and the excitement of the wedding that I wasn’t thinking of my near future. 

I have so much respect for that word. Marriage. And one thing I thought my whole life was that if I ever get married; if I ever let a man get on his knees and propose; and if I would ever walk to the altar and say “I do” in front of my loved ones and God, then divorce wouldn’t be an option. Sounds a little dumb. Who wants that anyway? Who gets married thinking of divorce? We all start the marriage journey thinking that it will be forever. But in my 24 years of life, my experiences watching married couples weren’t the best.

Now, it is not my place to say who and what, it’s their lives, not mine. And I know that there are so many couples out there that overcame anything and they love each other, and they have been together forever and are the perfect team… But growing up, it was different for me, and these things did something in me. It changed my perspective on marriage. 

Marriage is not about you anymore. Now “you” equals “two”. And you need to be committed to that. Why would you get married then? Just to be miserable?

Love unconditionally.

When things get bad and you need your partner’s emotional support. When he wakes up in such a bad mood or it seems that you are not a priority. When you both have opposing opinions and you need to reach an agreement. When he leaves dirty things around the house. Uh… I will definitely need love for that.

I am a person that likes things to go my way. Will I be able to let myself go and fight for my marriage every day? Because it’s an everyday decision. The wedding, and the music, and the laughs, and the presents, is just one day, or even, some hours. But what about after that? 

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

The funny and I guess sad part of all of this is that the problem is not my future fiance, Antonio, but everything around us. Even previous relationships that I had left me heartbroken and created trust issues. And this is when my thoughts get messed up. Because I do love Antonio, and I am so happy with him, and my fears aren’t his fault.

For some couples, marriage may seem like a fantasy and romantic decision, especially because of the wedding that accompanies the decision (which I understand, weddings in the U.S. are awesome), but the reality is that it involves a series of discussions and decisions on more serious couple issues. How to know if you are ready to get married or if it’s really necessary?

Being 100% honest, I always wanted to live together first and then in the future maybe get married. I wanted to experience the coexistence first, see how that worked. See if we are compatible and responsible. But I would say that my religion doesn’t approve of that. And honestly, I have never lived with my boyfriends mainly out of respect for my parents. 

So… After all this discussion of my mixed thoughts, the real question is: Am I ready to get married? Am I going to let my past influence my present?

Let’s just ask the question in a different way because the word “marriage” somehow gives me anxiety.

Am I ready to start a new adventure, with my best friend, finish college, go to Europe, travel together, have our dog with us, learn how to cook, learn how to control my emotions, learn how to reach an agreement, learn how to organize my life with a +1, love unconditionally, learn how to fix serious situations, and learn how to deal with this crazy life together?

I Do.