It’s been quite a while since I posted. I guess I just needed something to happen, and help me put a spark in my writing.  So here goes nothing…

Being sent to a Catholic School for most of your life, you tend to get brainwashed into thinking all the wrong things about religion. You get taught that if you don’t go to church you automatically go to hell. Or at least that’s what I was taught.

I get it, my parents wanted me to have a good upbringing, good manners. But that can be taught can’t it?

I digress.

But, there came a time in my life when I finally saw the light. I saw that I don’t have to go to church anymore, I won’t go to hell just because I don’t go to church. I’ll probably go there for different reasons, but that’s another story for another day.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, as I am writing this, one of elementary school mentors, has passed. Msgr. Schuster. He was the man that had all the right answers at all the right times.

A few weeks ago, I got a text from my mother.  It read:

“Msgr. Schuster is in the hospital, say a prayer.”

I didn’t think anything of it. But I said, why not. Might as well. One thought, or prayer won’t hurt right.

***

When I started college, there were moments where I just didn’t want to go to church. I found it completely pointless, and anything the other priests or ministers were saying, I just found was full of sh*t.

I didn’t feel the need to be told that if I don’t go to church regularly, or if I don’t take time to “talk to God” I was going to be stuck in purgatory for the rest of my life. Or even worse, be stuck in hell. It felt like I was getting talked down to every Sunday.

I just had enough.

It was those random moments when I did attend church when I would run into Msgr. Schuster, and he would help me change that thought in a split second. He made it different. He made me believe.

I would then attend once more, and have that thought changed in an instant. For the last couple of months, the thought of church hasn’t even crossed my mind. I was always doing work, or just working having to deal with unruly customers at the time.

Church and faith just wasn’t a part of me anymore.

***

Earlier today, I get a phone call from my mother.

“Msgr. Schuster passed.”

End of phone call.

Honestly, I didn’t know how to react. I never know how to react to this kind of news. How does one react to death? If you know the answer to that, please let me know. Because at the moment, I feel as if I’m empty inside. No feelings at all.

When someone you felt close to passes, shouldn’t you cry or at least shed one tear?

I haven’t shed a tear since I got the news.

I mean feeling empty inside, is it a part of life? A part of growing up? Is it something I just have to go through?

I don’t know.

Maybe this is just a defense mechanism so I don’t seem weak anymore.

Anyone who knew me back in the day knows I was the most sensitive person on the planet. It was always just a part of me. I was always the most emotional, and I always got made fun of for it.

As sad as this is, I’ve been like that until my senior year of high school. That summer before I started my senior year, I went to Poland. Needless to say, that was when I learned to turn off the emotions.

That is a giant thanks to my family.

But as I write, I feel the emotion part turn back on slowly in my brain. I feel myself wanting to cry, but also I feel myself holding back.

I ask myself, “why cry for him, and not a family member.”

Truth be told, I’m not sure. But I feel the tears about to rush through my eyes like two rivers that are about to break down a dam that’s holding everything back. All I know is that I’m about to blow and it won’t be pretty.

I’m not sure I even want to attend the funeral. A friend told me that funerals are very private and personal. I don’t know if I will be able to hold myself together, but I also don’t want to regret not being able to say goodbye one last time.

I don’t know what I will do, or how I will react. My best bet is that I will puff up and start crying.

Going back to religion and faith. Will the passing of Msgr. Schuster cause me to never go back to church? Will it change my mind and make me go back and plead God for future events?

My opinion of the church and religion, has not changed, but who knows if I will ever change my mind back.

All I know is that the passing of Msgr. Schuster is hitting me fairly roughly at the moment, and I am heartbroken. But I know he is in a better place, and would want me to carry on and be the person I am.

Rest in Peace Msgr. Schuster, you will be missed greatly.