I am a self proclaimed makeup enthusiast and prolific procrastinator. I am a night owl.

I’ve always been this way, even when I was young. My thoughts and imagination often getting in the way of much needed sleep. I often write scripts on how things should have been or what I could have done. I am either catching up on my anime (right now it’s Black Butler and Gurren Lagan), watching Running Man or listening to music while I choreograph dance moves for my long awaited “World Tour”.

Lately though, I find myself in limbo late at night.

I often relive things that I wish I wouldn’t. I rack my brain for the catharsis that I am so desperately seeking but cannot find. I’m not even sure if I need it anymore. There are things that should have left my space a long time ago but are unable to. Like a ghost haunting the living before moving on. (That was a Bleach reference – Yes)

I stay up late at night because I haven’t found peace.

I stay up late because I need to ask myself ‘Will I ever?’

I am constantly mad at myself.

My friend Danny (bless his heart) and I spoke in his car one night after work. For the first time in a long while, he didn’t look at me differently as I told him to the best of my ability what I had been through and my reaction to it. “Ihsani, if you think you don’t deserve to have people in your life because of the way you reacted to something … You’re nuts” Now it’s not exactly verbatim but still. He told me what I wanted to hear, what I had been telling myself for so long but needed to hear from someone else.

I went home and marinated on what he said. He was right. Am I going to beat myself up forever? Knowing me. Probably. I value his friendship and what he thinks and I shared this part of me with him because I wanted his approval. And I always want a person’s approval.

I stay up late because I want to do right so badly.

Atonement maybe? I don’t know. I feel like I walk around with past events branded into my skin.

It is true, you are your own worst enemy.

But I do this and I share these things because if I didn’t, I would go mad.

This is the Night Owl Narrative.

A look at what goes on in my head. A look into my world, the things that keep me sane and the things that make me tick.

I am struggling to be me. To find out who I am.

There are situations I’ve been in that will never leave and I don’t know if I want them to.

Pathetic? Maybe. But it’s the truth.

I relieve the good times over and over, wishing I could go back and be happy again.

—————–

Have you ever let your mind wander and then randomly remember you ex? That’s been happening a lot lately. Mostly at night right before I fall asleep. I usually catch myself though and then take a mental broom to sweep away the debris. I think about the fun times though, the laughing and craziness still makes me smile. Despite the fact that I don’t want it to.

All that being said, it’s not always the ugly that keeps me up. There’s good things too. Like how I miraculously managed to get an internship at Marie Claire and how I high-key like it better than my actual job. Or the fact that I scored an interview at Cosmo. How did that happen? I honestly don’t know. It just confirms that editorial was the field I was meant to be in.

I am becoming an older sister again, my new sister should be here by the first week of November.

I keep myself up at night oftentimes unwillingly. My mind speeding at 100 miles an hour while my body can barely chug along.

I sort out some of my biggest problems right before I go to bed. And lay out all of my blessings to remind myself of the things I do have.

My name is Ihsani Jackson but please call me Izzy. I am self proclaimed makeup enthusiast and prolific procrastinator. I am a night owl.