You know that feeling you get when you’re eating dinner and the last of whatever your family is sharing is sitting right in front of your eyes?

My mom is dining. Carleigh, my sister, is away on her phone. And my mother’s boyfriend, Adam, is distracted by the television.

You could be the one to finish this food off, however, you should ask if it’s cool with everyone first. But in all honesty, you don’t care, because you’re hungry, and you have aspirations. But you don’t want them to realize that you don’t care, either. So what do you do?

This dilemma, is sort of what I go through every single time I write one of these blog-esque column posts. I realized recently, that Tales of an American Redhead isn’t much of a column at all; I mean, I give opinions on whatever, but I prefer to share what’s on my mind. Whether that be a crap baseball player, a band, or whatever you’d call these kinds of posts.

Now that I’m reading it again, I think I’m just describing a column, oops.

Writing these have become a weird thing for me. Since my last personal post, a couple of people mentioned that they enjoy these. I honestly feel like I own this newfound clout to my game — my big head has gotten a little bigger, which is never good. Because of this, I need to live up to the expectations of my previous posts. At least I say that to myself. I’m just going to do my thing.

***

I think what these posts have become are a way for me to express myself in ways I don’t get the chance to. Normally, I write poetry when I’m sad, because I’m a massive loser. But, I’m trying this again.

I’ve recently taken to the label of the “Outgoing Introvert.” I don’t dislike interacting with people, but because of my shy and cynical way of viewing of other people, I don’t get to interact with others.

It’s a very uncomfortable feeling to always keep my guard up to others. But as I’ve found out in the last few days, you really never know who can be on the other side, and it sucks. My breakup with my partner of nearly two years has left me back in this mood where I’m not as hurt as I should be. No one ever wants to think of the end, but it’s impossible to ignore; I wish mine was a bit smoother. I never even saw it coming.

To clarify, this is not a knock on anyone. The time I’ve spent has been nothing short of incredible and unforgettable. But no matter what one’s personality or character is, it leaves me in the same spot every time: looking for more happiness.

Perhaps that sounds drastic, because it kind of is. The last eight years of my life have followed a similar pattern:

1. I meet a new person.
2. The beginning is fantastic.
3. Something happens that causes a change in personality.
4. Everything falls apart.

It’s such a shitty feeling to go through this, over and over, again. I’ve put my hopes and beliefs into so many people and it never leads to my happiness.

That sounds selfish to say, because it is. But I don’t care anymore. I’ve been playing this game for too long to not be aware and open of what I want out of life and friendships, relationships, or whatever. It hurts to acknowledge this, because I realize that a large part of my unhappiness falls on me, but I just can’t seem to figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Again, this isn’t a denial of my wrongdoing, I just want to understand what’s wrong with me. What have I done over middle school, high school, and now college, to find myself as such an unlikable person?

That’s why sucks about my breakup, really. I didn’t just lose a partner, but I lost a person I enjoyed; I guess that what happens when you play the game — sometimes you lose. I’m just not ready for my phone and thoughts to be empty again.

***

Speaking of games, there’s no way I can not talk about my addiction with Game of Thrones. In about three weeks, I’ve nearly finished the entire show, because as mentioned, I am a loser. But fuck, man, it’s too good. I saw that some guy got to write for The New York Times about finishing the full show in five weeks. I’m about to beat him by a week or two, so where’s my gig, guys?

I promised to myself that under no circumstances would I talk about my dreams or goals, but I will betray myself for a moment here.

I’m going to be running The Impact next year, yay!

It’s bizarre to be already halfway through college. Between the news that I’ll be Managing Editor soon and with my NYPA First Place award, all of my goals have been coming into fruition. So while I can’t make any friends, at least I have an award!

Now comes the hard part, I have to meet all the expectations I’ve set for myself, my staff, and the paper. I’m terrified of not meeting them.

But hey, at least I won’t have to worry about having a girlfriend to distract me!

(Yes, it actually killed me to write that.)

***

This last month has been one of the best, and worst, months of my life.

On one side, I’m winning things (which is not something I do,) but I also feel like I’m back at step one despite it. I’ve run in one big circle, leading me back to where I started. And I’m scared.

Do I run down the same path that brought me happiness for the longest time, more than I can say I’ve been since I’ve begun my teens?

Or do I take a new path, in the hope of discovering an even greater amount of pleasure? It’s a scary thought because I won’t know for so long. That’s the real battle: comfort vs potential. All in the name of joy.

I’ve walked into the fire, but I’m still here. That means something. I hope wherever go, it means something, too.

I love you guys, see you soon.