Mechanized WWE

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Mechanized WWE

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You know the one thing that doesn’t need a script? A giant robot death match.

Nobody needs a backstory just to see two mech’s punch each other for a couple of hours. If you look at some of the shows that dealt with robotic combat, “Robot Wars” and “BattleBots” they understand what people want in a fight.

Both shows dealt with remote-controlled robots that had very simple weaponry. We’re talking about hammers, flippers, and pincers. No real projectiles or explosives, everything is up close and personal, which is how it should be. No one wants to watch two motorized toasters take potshots at each other from across the field, they want to see these toasters get torn to pieces. And that’s exactly what these shows delivered on.

A closed environment with traps and robots fighting tooth and nail for survival, plus the announcers who got way more “into it” than they probably also added to the excitement. That’s the key to a fight, excitement. Even though the bots weren’t big or really that amazing compared to what is displayed in movies, the use of R.C. tech allowed for aggressive, which in turn lead to more exciting, fights.

Everything that made those smaller robot fights could be translated into larger bots, the only thing stopping giant robots from being a thing was the lack of funding.

So, when two companies, “Megabots” (based in the U.S.) and “Suidobashi Heavy Industry” (based in Japan), get together to host a fight between their two giant robots, it should come out as an instant hit. Think about it, its Japan vs. the U.S., the money should literally print itself. This should be a moment that everyone in the world would want to witness.

And yet, when the fight took place on Oct 17th, it was the most boring excuse for a fight ever displayed on the internet.

For starters, Japan lost miserably. Sure, they took down the prototype bot the U.S. brought out at the beginning, but that was just to display the power of their bot the “Kurutas.” Then the U.S. brought out its main bot “Eagle Prime” and that was the end of the fight. The U.S. bot was too big for the Japanese bot to handle, plus it had a chainsaw. The Kurutas only had its fists and a paintball gun. Oh, and a small drone that had no weapons and was clearly used just to pad the fight out for an extra minute. This match-up was poorly thought out that it almost looked scripted…oh, wait it was.

That’s right, the fight of the century was an over glorified WWE match complete with cheesy gimmicks like announcers almost getting crushed by falling objects and a lot of filler talk between the announcers and cast. Now, you’re probably wondering how they had time to film all this in a single live-stream? Well, even though it was a live stream, the match wasn’t even live. The whole thing was filmed over the course of multiple days, proving how fake this whole endeavor was, to begin with.

Furthermore, while the U.S. pulled out all the stops for this match, Japan practically threw in the towel. To prove this, I compared the weapons the Kurutas is advertised to have on its website. That’s right, you can buy one of these robots for over a million and a half dollars. On the website, the Kurutas can be bought with a working pile bunker and carbon shield. The shield would have blocked all the U.S.’s attacks and the pile bunker, a device that shoves metal stakes into a target at high speeds, would have been much more interesting and effective than a metal fist. But no, they didn’t use either of those weapons because Japan was meant to lose this fight right from the get-go. Seriously, need I mention the drone again? It clearly wasn’t used for strategic purposes.

Oh, and speaking of the fight, the bots had the grace of rumbas. They collided with each other, and that’s it. Just light shoving and a little bit of chainsaw action. That’s not what I waited till 11 pm at night to witness. Could they not design more agile bots? Did they really need to be so sluggish and boring in how they fought?

And the whole production was just an episode of “Real Housewives” with robots. That’s how they shot the whole thing, like a reality television show. Unnecessary cuts and interviews just to pad a boring 26-minute fight that was only seven minutes of actual fighting. Let that sink in, only three rounds of fighting in a 26-minute video that only amounts to seven minutes of actual combat. Sure, the smaller ones don’t last that long, but multiple fights happen within that span of time with much more intensity and much less filler.

An over glorified act, that’s what robot fights were reduced to that day. If they ever want to be entertaining, R.C. bots would be a better fit for this type of thing. Seriously though, this fight should have been an extra-large version of “Robot Wars” instead of WWE in wheelchairs.

If anyone is curious about how cool robot fights can be, I obviously recommend “Robot Wars” which can be found on the British channel, BBC. I’d recommend “BattleBots,” but they seem to be canceled at the moment.

The level of intensity and aggression brought about through R.C. fights is truly wonderful, and the announcers have a lot of enthusiasm.

Linked below is one of the BattleBots fights, it’s much more interesting than anything Megabots produced.