Pineapple Belongs on Pizza, You Cowards

Face the facts.


Its questions can best define humanity: what happens when we die? Is there a God? Why are we here? Is pineapple an acceptable pizza topping? Is our existence just a false reality with the premise of self-made goals that hold no legitimate bearing since most of us will perish without having ever denting the world they tell us every day to change?



I really enjoy pizza.


Many people enjoy pizza. But much like sex, some people enjoy it with pineapple on top. I am one of those people (for the pizza, not the sex. Well, now that I think about it — nevermind.)


Typically, when I proclaim my enjoyment for the tropical fruit on top of my favorite Italian dish, I get responses such as


“Steven, you stupid fuck, how could you?”


“Hey gingy, go get a soul!”


“I enjoyed the final season of Game of Thrones.”


These insults are not only a sign of classlessness but of ignorance.


I think of pineapple pizza kind of like America: beautiful, delicious, and created off the back of systemic racism (look up the 13th Amendment!)


To clarify, I’m not talking about Hawaiian, because meat is a no-no for me, I’m talking bare pineapple. I believe that about 90% of people have never tried it, mostly because they’re giant babies. But in all seriousness, I think fruit on anything is enough to turn people off. But when you put it on pizza, the staple food of lazy people, it becomes an issue.


I can understand that, but behind this unnecessary hate lies a legitimate argument for pineapple on pizza — it tastes fucking great.


If you view pineapple on pizza from just the thought of two foods one would never imagine going together, it could be enough to turn one off from it. Those people are cowards. Look at it like this; salty and sweet snacks are fucking sick, right?


Chocolate pretzels? Great. Caramel corn? Tremendous. Peanut Butter and Jelly? *Chef kissing noise*. 


When you view pineapple pizza from that basic level of something sweet on something saltier (pizza isn’t really salty, but you get my idea.) The dynamic of these opposites make the potential for a tremendous combo.


And for the people who go “i DoN’t WaNt FrUiT oN mY pIzZa!!!” first off, shut up.


Second, tomatoes are a fruit. Yeah, go Google that one. Fruits are good for you, they’re sick in my books; with pineapple, it’s great too! So why not put a healthy fruit that tastes dope on an already delicious piece of food?


If you’re one of those hardcore Italians who claim that no real “Italian” would ever eat that, not only is that a super annoying thing to say, just because your great-grandparents came here 100 years ago, but I’d like to point out that Italians eat nasty shit, look up “Coratella” and then come back to me with a legitimate defense of that you gabagools.


When I order my jalapeno and pineapple pan pizza from Domino’s, I do so with pride. Because I’m fucking legendary, and my pizza deserves to follow that suit. 


So when I attempt to communicate in the group chat about my desire to bring along a pineapple pizza along with the other pies we will order tomorrow, I don’t expect to have to hear from certain Social Media Editors claiming that they “wAnT tHeIr PePpErOnIs.” Well, guess what, possibly-Alexis? I want world peace, a bass guitar, and a lifetime supply of Snapple, but we can’t always get what we want.


Pepperoni sucks, anyway. The vegetarian in me aside, pepperonis are a weak-ass pizza topping. They’re greasy, usually burnt, and stupid!


Buffalo Chicken, BBQ Chicken, Sausage, most mainstream meat toppings are better than pepperoni, but people like possibly-Alexis continue to fight for the past. I’m young, I’m hip. Do you know what else is young and hip? Pineapple.


So the next time you order a pizza, I’d like you to think to yourself, “Am I a massive coward?” If the answer is yes, then order your dumb crap pizza. If you’re sophisticated, beautiful, and deserving of all of life’s rewards, then maybe treat yourself to a pineapple pie. You might just like it more than you could imagine.