Friendship breakups are hard. I’d argue they are harder than a romantic breakup. That friend has become a person closest to you, one who truly sees your soul and what lay beneath the surface. The actual ride or die. Then between all the relationship drama, home drama, life changes they never leave you. Until they do.

My friendship breakup is especially painful for me because nothing happened between us. There are outside forces that are keeping us apart. Other people have a say in their life. My friend is doing what they need to do to save another relationship in their life, and I am happy to support them. But I’ve been abandoned. It may not be fair for me to feel that way, because it is not about me. But it is hard for me not to. 

I’m an overly emotional person, my cup is overflowing from the moment I wake up in the morning. I tend to react a little more aggressively than most would assume appropriately. But my friend knew that he was there for me. He is not one to show emotion, but I know he cared about me. The new changes in both are live are a lot easier for him to handle. So I’m left to grieve alone. I’m also angry at him. All stages of grief, am I right? I’m also scared, I do not want to have to face this world without my friend by my side. 

It all happened so fast, barely had time to process that it was about to be over. Maybe that was a good thing. But now he has just left my life and I’m left to continue being the emotional wreck I am, but now by myself.

I’m trying to find ways to cope and not lie to myself. I know our friendship will never be the same again, I wish I knew that the last time we spent time together. I find that it is easy to lie to yourself and have hope. In my opinion, hope is the cruelest thing there is. Hope keeps you stuck, keeps you in the pain. You can never truly move on with hope, so I refuse to give that to myself. But, I also don’t want to move on. I am not okay with the fact he will just be an old friend, someone I don’t need in my life anymore. Such an erratic thought process, not sure where to land my mind. Where to leave it, because either way, I will be sad and in pain.

This isn’t the first friend break-up I had, actually, this friend was around for that first one. That first hit me like a truck. I didn’t know a best friend could just abandon you like a stranger. That was the worst pain I had felt to date. After all the different kinds of breakups I’ve had, I don’t find them becoming easier. They are different, but not easier. People always say time heals all wounds, but it is always the same pattern we go through for every breakup, like clockwork. 

I know what will come next for me, the uncontrollable sobs, the depression. I’m fighting it right now because with graduation on the horizon I can’t afford a slip-up. But when I finally stop fighting it I will have given into the pain. I think many of us have been there, even if we go about it differently. I have no wise words for you. Maybe after reading this, you find that we process pain the same way, maybe that was the point of me writing this. But either way, pain is inevitable. Friend breakups will continue to happen to us, just know you aren’t alone. I know the pain you are feeling, and I’m sorry.