My little sister told me not to drink any caffeine or it would make me manic. It was the big day of my New York driving exam. 

Ever since I can remember, biting into an apple because I was hungry. I have been beside someone especially when riding shogun. Being considered a holster to people, I even put on a seat belt if someone is in a rush.

I tried to play it cool,  The more of a pep talk I was getting from my parents all I could imagine was the disappointment. I felt like the Weeknd. I couldn’t feel half of my face and I was still enough to feel my blood rush, my breath and heart were as if someone pressed both the brakes and accelerator. 

For the last few months, I have asked my colleagues for what to watch out and what to do.

Use my blinkers, use my turn signal, and wait at the stop sign for longer.

I even tried to learn from my older sister’s mistake of why she failed the test while the younger one made me practice all night on my maneuvers from U-turns, lane changes, and the dreaded parallel parking.

I laughed it off because because I could do it easily do it. My father had me rehearse it for two years. To me, it was basically playing pool but now the stakes have been changed but the game is still the same.

I watched videos for hours and sent so many TikToks that it made the Winter Soldier experiment look like more science than fiction, and I was ready to comply with everything that was going to happen next. Not just just what the instructor was gonna say but where everyone else in the family who gonna get tied or need an emergency.

It had happened three weeks ago, I had a churro from the street early on the day and the two chiefs left me to see some family, they were seeing family members.

I was left alone with my mother, the only family member who refused to drive like me but only one of us knew how to drive. Unknowingly even to them left their phones because they were trying to figure out the direction.

I had to step up on the plate, change gear and instead hold back that energy. It was one thing to get a traffic ticket but didn’t want to talk to the driver behind me, especially with all the honking.

Road rage was something I have seen firsthand and didn’t want to see except from a face I care about. The engine may have been slight but my heart was beating with every street that I repeatedly crossed around three times.

But I had nothing but the road, the pitch black night sky trying, My eyes were focused on the road while I freaked out.

The thing that broke out of that trance was my mother how to calm down, when I had the chance I looked both ways and booked it anywhere to pull up to the curve trying to figure out the address back listening. I might been breaking the rules but even I am not dumb enough to take and drive and stop every sign and luckily didn’t drive too far to see the train tracks.

When father and daughter realized what happened to mother and son, they got an ear full that truck horn would have censored me.

Later that night, I had a nightmare of a shelf falling and catching a pot. I forced myself to wake up but my hand reached out. 

I laughed at myself, at my lucid dreams later that night, and my mind getting behind the wheel and diving at 100mph.

My driving test is coming up soon, if I can drive locally in New Jersey blindsided, like a horse getting whipped with the Jersey Devil eyes appearing in the back.

If I could drive at night in Jersey, I could at least pass my test in New York.

I messed up, and halfway through my mind tried to make up for a mistake that made me do more. I lost my sense of direction and mixed left for right like color blind person figuring

The instructor just gave me advice to improve and that made some muscle memory.

In the end, I passed my test but for two straight hours, my demon was my warden waiting for the results.  I couldn’t even look at my failure but need to get my band-aid off. 

The tradition was also broken and inverted, Instead of the new driver buying a meal for everyone to celebrate responsibility I was chauffeured around and deciding where to go.