January 19th, 2022

That marks my last first day of school. I have mixed feelings about how exactly I’m supposed to feel. Happy? Sad? How about feeling overwhelmed?

I keep getting asked, “so what are your plans after school?”

In all honesty, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’ll be okay. I have my head on straight, and I’m ready to put myself out in the “real world.”

T-4 months until graduation. Until then, I’ll be getting through my last five classes and playing my last year of college softball.

So many old beginnings are coming to an end. But with endings come new beginnings; It all kind of repeats itself.

As I’m starting the new semester, I can’t help but replay all of what I’ve been through. I see a completely new me. I’ve come so far.

The freshman version of myself was a lot to handle, to say the least. I was 17, moving from California to New York. The first out of my siblings to go to a four-year college and move out of state. Being so far away from my family was probably my hardest challenge which soon took a toll on me. I was also joining a D2 college softball team that was extremely time-consuming.

My old high school habits bit me in the ass and hard. I was unprepared, unproductive, and unmotivated. I spent most of my first semester sulking in bed, hoping I’d wake up from a bad dream.

In my first semester, I was able to lose the trust of my teammates and coach by doing poorly in the classroom and not being a reliable teammate. Every other girl on my team worked hard both on the field and off. Even if they didn’t produce the best results, they tried a lot harder than I did. I gave up on them and even more on myself.

I remember I couldn’t wait for winter break, so I could leave New York and the mess I created. But after Christmas passed, I got a call from my coach ripping me a new one. He called me out on everything I was doing, but with all of the yelling, he was still able to forgive me and give me another chance. He understood why I acted the way I did and was willing to put it in the past as long as I was willing to change.

Little by little I was earning back the trust of my teammates and coach. The second semester of my freshman year was a bumpy ride, but I improved. I spent most of it cleaning up my mess from the first semester and trying to prove to my team that I was someone they could rely on. I still may not have performed as well as I wanted, but I was in a better mental state than I was in the first semester.

I came home for summer hungry to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I started to journal, read, and work out more. Which helped me fall in love with the idea of bettering myself. I was aiming to be a completely different person and start fresh. Although, I was a little nervous about coming back to school after having the year I did. But I knew that I couldn’t have a better tomorrow if I was still thinking about yesterday. So I confronted my worries and cut my summer in California short.

I decided to move back to New York a month before school started. I wanted to slowly, and mentally prepare myself for school and softball without feeling overwhelmed.

Going through everything I did my first year has made me the person and player I am today. I’ve loved the journey I’ve had at Mercy College, and I’m happy to see that the finish line is just an arm’s length away. I had many, many obstacles to overcome and I still do, but that’s life. Without the hard parts, can we truly ever grow? Can we truly ever appreciate the little things that make us want to be better people? In my experience, no. I needed all that happened to me to happen because now I am someone not only my family is proud of, but I’m proud of.